On Monday the interwebs went on high alert when Rob Delaney, comedian and columnist for Vice magazine, announced that he was suing Kim Kardashian for defying the good, trustworthy people of the world, Ryan Seacrest and the E! Networks in pretending her marriage to Kris Humphries was anything other than a publicity stunt. We applaud Delaney for calling a spade a spade, despite Team Kim defending her 72-day marriage's honor saying that she and Humphries honestly loved each other. Yes, she must have really loved him to accept the reported, lowly, $18 million paycheck to become his blushing bride.
We assume Delaney's lawsuit is just as phony as Kim's nuptials and his intent is (we think) is simply to call BS on the "reality" star in a very real way. But what if his lawsuit is not a fake and he actually goes through with it? It certainly wouldn't be the most absurd lawsuit to hit the court system.
Suing has more or less replaced the American dream. Where once all we wanted to do was work hard and earn our way, now Americans just want something terrible, but not too terrible, to happen to them so they can make bank. Who out there doesn't wish for just a moment that they would have been smart enough to call a lawyer the last time they sucked down a Sonic Cherry Limeade and got a cherry stem stuck in their throat (No? Just us?). Remember back in 1994, when Stella Liebeck sued McDonalds because her coffee was "defective" and she received $2.7 million for spilling her cup of joe on her own lap? That case was just the icing on the frivolous lawsuit cake, but there have been so many other pointless legal battles over the past two decades. Here is a list of our top five most ridiculous lawsuits. 5. Man Vs. His Dog's Dignity In November of 2000, a man and his dog went to a library in San Marcos California and an altercation broke out - between his dog and the library's resident cat. The cat won; the man sued. He filed not because a little putty-tat beat up his 50-pound lab mix, but because of the emotional trauma he suffered by seeing the altercation. The vet bill for his beloved pooch totaled $46 so, naturally, the man sued for $1.5 million. In a lengthy report, written by him, the man detailed the horrible battle between cat and dog, depicting the cat as a spiteful, nefarious feline, hell-bent on ripping the poor dog's face apart. The case was thrown out; the dog was humiliated.
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4. Man Vs. Spuds MacKenzie Remember those Anheuser-Busch commercials, back in the 90s where some burly-looking dudes would pop open a can of sweet Bud Light and all of a sudden life was a big 'ole party; hot chicks appeared out of nowhere and immediately started grope-dancing the guys? Did anyone really think this would happen? Some guy in Michigan did, and even after consuming multiple beers he could not make women materialize and/or swoon over him so... he sued.
3. Man Vs. Food, Lots and Lots of Food Just this past September, New Yorker, Martin Kessman sued a White Castle because he was too fat for their seats. Kessman claims that the squared-patty palace is in violation of the Americans With Disabilities Act, decrying that White Castle booths need to fit persons of all sizes. Despite numerous letters to the Castle, the man received nothing back but a bunch of coupons for more burgers, which most annoyed Kessler because the coupons didn't cover the cheese! Are we in bizarro world? Guy, maybe fitting into the White Castle booth is not your biggest problem.
2. Man Vs. the Almighty In September of 2007, Nebraska Democratic State Senator Ernie Chambers, must have been tired of praying because he filed a lawsuit against God. The lawsuit ordered the "Defendant to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats." Suing God because has yet to stop terrorism? According to the Senator, he wasn't crazy, just trying to prove a point. His lawsuit was a reaction to a proposed bill that intended to stop flippant lawsuits. Oh we get it now, file a stupid lawsuit, using the taxpayer's money, in an attempt to defend stupid lawsuits that are wasting taxpayer's money. 1. Man Vs. Strong Swimmers In 1998, a man from Albuquerque, New Mexico sued his ex-girlfriend, and baby's mamma, for "intentionally acquiring and misusing" his sperm. Oh the siren! How did she manage to pull off such a stealth move? By having sex with the man and then getting pregnant. The man argued that his ex lied to him about being on the Pill, to which she countered that the sperm was "a gift" and she was free to do what she wanted with it. After his sperm-theft was denied, he tried suing his ex-girlfriend for "economic injury" because he was going to have to pay child support. We don't know if this guy is brainless or brilliant.