Tail Wagon

SAT 9/4

The E! Network is the wagon to which Paris Hilton, Anna Nicole and the Buttafuocos hitched their stars -- or maybe it's the wagon that tethered their legs to the back and dragged them. Either way, E! is about to take the Lone Star for a ride. Houston will be featured on the network's upcoming Wild on "The Wet and Wild West" special, and you can do your part to ensure that H-town outshines Austin, Dallas, L.A., San Diego, San Antonio, Phoenix and other so-called Western locales. (Who is Phoenix kidding?) Formerly co-hosted by Brooke Burke and her breasts, Wild On! typically dispatches a stunningly hot woman to an exotic location and makes her run around on beaches, all the while surrounded by tanned revelers drinking fruity cocktails. Frankly, the physical specimens could go to the Denny's on the Southwest Freeway, order the Lumberjack Slam and drive away in an '86 Corolla, and Houston would come away looking fantastic. But it seems instead that they'll be filming at Club Go.

The show's producer, resident E! party boy Art Mann, will be the one navigating Houston's rowdy underbelly. So start your drinking, your primping and your shaking -- of both cocktails and booty. Of course, you may not want your 15 minutes of fame to stem from a fuzzy shot of you showing navel atop a tequila-splashed bar, but hey, at least you'll have done your part to prove that the only thing conservative about H-town is the politics. 8 p.m. Saturday, September 4. 2001 Commerce. For information, call 713-225-4646. $10 to $25. -- Julia Ramey

The Four Seasons Hotel's Pisco Fresa

Waiting. I've always found myself waiting for somebody. I sat alone in the bar of the Four Seasons Hotel (1300 Lamar, 713-650-1300), composing a single's ad in my head. "Functioning professional drinker," I thought to myself. No, how about "single, white, lonely guy who enjoys booze, complimentary buffets and clean ashtrays." No, no, no. I needed to start off strong, with something a smart, thirtysomething Texas Tornado -- no, I'd given up on the tornado -- something a down-to-earth, boot-wearin' gal could relate to. I ordered another pisco fresa and looked deeply into bartender Alicia's eyes. "What do you look for in a man?" I asked her. "Money," she said. "I like a guy who's filthy rich and can afford to take me places." The bar was getting busier. She returned a few minutes later with a devilish smile. "I'm kidding with you," she said. "There's no one thing. Everybody's different." Like this was really going to help me. The gal I was meeting was now almost two hours late. I figured I'd give her another hour and a half before officially labeling myself blown off. Okay. How about: "Laid-back kind of dude who doesn't expect much out of anyone, much less life itself, looking for someone to hang out with on a front porch in Luckenbach, drinking Shiner Bock and watching my old truck rust." Perfect.

1-1/2 ounces pisco
6 fresh strawberries
Rose's Grenadine (for color)
Sweet & sour mix

Measure out pisco into blender with a scoop and a half of ice. After removing stems or leaves, slice up a good two handfuls of fresh strawberries. Throw in a splash of grenadine and two splashes of sweet & sour mix. Blend lightly, and remember: Serious straw-sucking can correct hunched-over backs and other related medical conditions. -- J.W. Crooker

Get Leid

SUN 9/5

Ever wonder why they celebrate Labor Day in Hawaii? Considering the lifestyle projected by those "Visit Hawaii" commercials, just what are those folks taking a break from, exactly? Roasting pigs? Surfing? Ponder this with your fellow Labor Dayers at Drink Bar's Labor Day Luau Bash. Watch a bikini contest, chow down at a Hawaiian buffet and shake it with hula girls. Be sure to buy one of the fire-eaters a drink; they're just two bucks until 10 p.m. Oh, and the folks at Drink promise everyone a free lei (the flowered garland type -- you'll have to score the other kind yourself). 8 p.m. Sunday, September 5. 7620 Katy Freeway. For information, call 713-290-0041. $5 to $7. -- Steven Devadanam

Make It Hunky

SUN 9/5

We all took a thankful sigh when Tyson Beckford hit the scene. His tattoos and mixed race reflected our hip-hop reality. Finally, here was a supermodel who didn't look like Barbie's boyfriend. You can see him up close and personal this weekend at the Vanilla Sky Cream and White Affair, which benefits the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. Beckford is slated to host the event, and he'll be helped out by Trading Spaces star Ty Pennington, a.k.a. the horny housewife's hunk. Get a taste of the eye candy from 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. Sunday, September 5. Location announced only to those who purchase tickets. For information, call 713-659-1900. $50. -- Melissa Richter

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