Random Ephemera

The 10 Gods That MUST Exist in Houston

I made a deal with myself years ago in regards to religion... they're all equally correct. Every single god, deity, anthropomorphic representation, saint, demon, devil, goblin, gremlin, kobold, psychopomp, cultural hallucination, creator, avatar, and atheist denial is all 100 percent equally real in my book.

Lately, as summer loses its grip on our fair city I've started wondering what gods and monsters are responsible for all the unexpected and inexplicable things that go on here in Houston. I have decided that there are at least ten that simply must exist to maintain our unique order.

St. William of Chill: There's really not much we can do about the weather here. It's hot, and if you don't like it all you can do is move. However, there are strange days in April, May, September, and October where the clouds hide the angry sun, and a cool breeze soothes the foreheads of the populaces like a soaked-rag on a feverish brow. These are prayers answered by St. William, unexpected calendar entries where we all get a little less sweaty. St. William is also responsible for the rare snowfalls, and is therefore our kindest and most benevolent of our gods.

Prayer to St. William: "St. William, chillest of protectors, please poke the yellow hurting thing in the eye with a cloudstick and stir the still air to refreshing briskness for my underpants are soaked with nutacular moisture and my genitals do wilt."

Urfuqued: Urfuqued is the trickster god of standing water in the streets after a rain storm or hurricanes. By his will does the drainage flow or not, and he can be a malevolent illusionist. Nonetheless, he is not out and out evil, and rather seeks to teach Houstonians caution and respect for the power of nature when they chose to brave the roads and think, "I can totally make it through that puddle." He is also the patron deity of Houston city rescue workers, and clears path to those who do not heed the whole, "Turn around, don't drown."

Prayer to Urfuqued: Most worship of this god is done through screaming while mashing the accelerator of the car.

Om Nom and Honker: These twin deities oversee the Whole Foods on Alabama. Om Nom dictates whether or not the deli in the store will still have whatever it is that you desire (Seriously, who is eating all the tofu spring rolls), while Honker tests your worthiness in what is possibly the bitchiest parking lot in all of the city. Ironically, their feast day is Thanksgiving, where they bless those of forethought by providing a really cheap and excellent feast you don't have to cook.

Prayer to Om Nom and Honker: "Oh wholly organic and cruelty-free twins, please part the be-stickered bumpers that block my path to strangely addictive and calming macaroni and cheese."

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner