Let's talk about skateboarder-turned-MMA-fighter-cum-shock-jock Jason Ellis's new book, The Awesome Guide to Life -- Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together, shall we?
This book landed on my desk by some small miracle, perhaps sent over to us by the gods, and most definitely because somebody, somewhere knew I needed some learnin'. Some chick learnin'.
This book sure is something. You ever read a book and find yourself wondering where it has been all your life? Like, it's so life-altering and it enlightens you on so much about the world that you're completely enthralled, and you find yourself hanging on every word? Well, this is not one of those books, unless you're a glutton for punishment.
But we'll get to that. First, let's talk about Ellis. So this dude was once upon a time a skateboarder. He was a really good skateboarder, in fact, and he won lots and lots of awards and apparently also won a massive ego. He's retired from skateboarding now, and he has taken on a new career or six. He is now a Mixed Martial Arts fighter, a Howard Stern-wannabe, an author, and, judging by his book, a complete dick. I can use that word, considering he's used it at least 18 times in the first few chapters. I stopped counting after that.
He's already written one New York Times bestseller, "I'm Awesome," and that makes me want to cry angry tears for the state of our nation, because damn, this guy should never be giving advice. But he is giving advice. In fact, this is the second time he's giving advice. Oh, and what advice it is.
Ellis, who refers to what I assume are women as "girls" throughout the entire book, covers just about every subject. He talks about getting fit:"...it's scientifically proven that being fat makes you stupider." He talks about getting your shit tight: "Free-balling can be cool." And he talks about how to get laid: "If you don't have girls hitting you up on Twitter or a radio show where you can meet porn stars, don't take it too hard." The dude talks about everything, and somehow nothing, all at once.
Thing is, I guess I already know everything you need to know about free-balling as a girl, so I only learned a minimal amount during those chapters. But where Ellis really enlightened me was when I got to the chapter entitled, "How To Be A Chick." Apparently on top of all of the married cougar and "hot and horny grandmother" talk, Ellis is also a wealth of knowledge on what one should do to be a proper chick.
Being a proper chick is important, right? And I don't want to be the only chick who gains Ellis' insight. So since this stuff is very-super-extra important information, I thought I'd share the wealth of knowledge for the rest of you. Here are the top 10 things I learned from Jason Ellis when it comes to being a chick.
10. "Ladies, if you have big tits hanging out of your shirt...that makes you look like a whore." Well then. Women, please make sure to wear something that grazes your collarbones at all times, or you will inadvertently be mistaken for a lady of the night. You know that cute V-neck sweater? The one that doesn't suffocate those lady bits, and allows you to breastfeed or appear to be at least a little bit feminine? You should toss that bitch, or you'll be getting solicited in the airport and the grocery store. Let's hope for your sake that this never happens, or Jason Ellis can say he told ya so, whores.
9. "Girls shouldn't say "dude." They shouldn't say "bro."" Whoops. Broke that rule at least six times since the start of this blog, dudebro.
8. "Girls really need to be aware of how they laugh." You know, if you can't keep your donkey-laugh at a socially acceptable bray, perhaps you should just stop laughing at all, ever. I mean, women should be seen and not heard, am I right? Guys? Guys? No?
7. "If there's something wrong with your face that can be fixed, you should get on that immediately." Oh, so that's why I don't qualify as a chick. I've always wondered why my uterus was negated as a female indicator, even though I'm quite sure it's there, tucked away inside my body. It must be my beast-like face and my slightly large nose! I'll have to get on that, straight away. I guess I should have my plastic surgeon's number on speed-dial. And you should too! We can't have the world populated by imperfect, sub-par women, now can we?
6. "If the nail polish on your toes gets scratched, then you need to take it off, or else [they] can tell you're kind of dirty." Well, fuck. Too late. I would have thought by the number of pages devoted to blowjob instructions (two, to be precise) that Ellis would expect us to be just a little bit dirty. But apparently not. Please do not ever leave the house until you've taken care of that "scratched" toenail polish. (Side note: I think you mean "chipped," bro. Chipped, dude. CHIPPED.)
5. "G-strings are no longer that necessary. You probably want to replace any G-strings you're still holding on to with those little boy shorts panties." Take all of those G-strings, which I'm sure you're only wearing for your man's pleasure and not at all because panty lines are annoying, and toss them into the sea. They should be replaced with "little boy shorts" immediately.
Also, no. I'm not replacing my grown up drawers with something named little boy shorts. You're on your own on this one, Ellis. We can't both be on that list.
4. "A lot of girls are unsure of themselves when it comes to handling penises." Uh, sure. I don't know what this means, but ladies, if you're not sure of how to handle the dick, please get on that stat. Even if you're not into them. Apparently you should still know, or you're not a woman. Not a woman at all.
3. "...He needs food on the table when he gets home. He needs all the shit in the house to be organized. And yes, [you] still need to lick his ass." Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Full stop.
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2. "Start jogging now, so when you're older you don't turn into a bag of shit..." Oh, so that's why my cardiologist told me to jog! It's not for heart health, or for the good of my body or stress levels, but because if I don't, I will be nothing but a "bag of shit." I'm learning so much from this book.
1. And finally, "Girls love guys who train in MMA. Girls want someone who can fight and protect them and open jars of mayonnaise. They get off on it. All of them." Ladies, if you don't get off on that dudebro MMA fighter who protects you and opens mayonnaise jars, can you even call yourself a chick?! I mean, seriously. We ALL get off on that. All of us.
So, to summarize. You should not wear G-strings, you need to lick the ass, and you better cook dinner at the same time. Jog or you're a bag of shit, and for Christ's sake, please fix your face, you beast. I suppose we should do our best. I mean, it's our duty as women, but it somehow feels like this could all get a bit dangerous, no?
Man, at least Tucker Max was somewhat funny while being a complete chauvinist. I never thought I'd say that, but I'd take beer in hell any day.