So, you're standing at a bar, and some over-cologned dude who's sporting sunglasses indoors slides in next to you and says the following:
"Do you want to see something swell?"
And then he proceeds to look down at his crotch. No. Just no. These are situations that should never happen, and yet they do, often. Horrid pickup lines are hilarious anecdotally, but they're utterly uncomfortable in the moment. Nothing says "I need mace" like a stranger's crotch-reference. Especially when alcohol is involved.
So listen, guys. No matter what Mystery, the eyeliner-sporting "pickup artist" told you in his book, or what your boys told you about "negging" or whatever, it is never a good idea to use a stupid pickup line.
Here are some of the worst pickup lines ever, just in case you were planning to use any of them during tonight's bar-prowl.
Oh, love. Ain't it grand?
10. "I'm sorry, were you talking to me? No? Well then, please start." Okay, so perhaps this is not as offensive as some crotch reference, but it's kind of awful and a bit pathetic. If this is the only manner in which you can start a conversation, well, go home cause you're drunk, moron.
9. "You don't need a bodyguard. You need a bootyguard." This is stupid. Really stupid. And you'll look stupid saying it. The end.
8. "You have something on your butt. My eyes." Um, if you walk up and tell a girl she has something on her hind quarters as a pickup line, you're doing this pickup thing all wrong, son. And if you're following that up with the fact that you've been Skeevy McSkeevster about staring at her ass, there's a good chance you'll never see it outside of the bar, clothed or otherwise. Maybe wait 'til the second date to start revealing your Neanderthal ways.
7. "Can you give me directions? To your house?" So there's this crazy thing called stalking, and unless you want to be categorized as that kind of creeper, maybe you should just stick to the crotch references. Cause the whole "what's your address, pretty thang" may sound like a good come-on in your head, but to us, it just sounds like it's restraining order time, stranger.
6. "There are 206 bones in the human body. Want another one?" Uh, gross. Don't offer us your "bone," or any other variation on the item, unless we've made sure to welcome such suggestions. And by that I mean don't offer someone the D unless you're sure they won't kick you in it because you're a creepy stranger offering them your junk in a bar. Because honestly, guys, if you offer a random girl in a bar your "bone," she has every right to make sure it's not working well enough to ever come to fruition.
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5. "I make more money than you can spend." Uh, first of all, all this does is scream bullshit. Second of all, could you seem any more full of bullshit? Also, as a side note to your bullshit, it is prudent to understand that while there will indeed be some vapid person who bites with this pickup line, the majority of women are not going to find this display of stupidity intriguing, even in the slightest. But way to assume that women only care about money. And probably the D.
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4. "You'll do." All I can think of when I see this pickup line is, "That'll do, pig. That'll do." And lines from Babe, a children's movie about a pig, should never be used as a pickup line, ever.
3. "I've got a boat." And I have mace. I'm sure you'd like to see that almost as much as I'd like to see your (nonexistent) boat.
2. "If you like this tip, you should see the other one." So, when hitting on a bartender, or a waitress, or when showing off your money skillz to a chick in a bar, it is never a good idea to follow up a tip for service with a tip about your dick, because gross.
1. "So, how many kids do you have?" This is not charming. This is not cute. It is not even a little bit endearing. It is, however, just a wee bit like you're an ass.