When I was growing up, the adventures of Danny Tanner and his enormous blended family on Full House were my jam...which probably explains why I as a 33-year-old man am still calling things my jam. If aliens landed tomorrow and demanded I explain the appeal of Full House to them or they would incinerate the Earth, you would all be as black and crispy as the bread crumbs in the guts of an old toaster. No idea. None.
Inexplicably, it has passed down through the decades to survive in hearts like mine as a beloved piece of pop culture, and in doing so has done what all pop culture does on the Internet: become infected with the virus Bullshitella theorica. Then, like those poor bastards in The Last of Us with mushrooms growing out of their heads, they run rampaging down the halls of the Internet biting whatever they can get their hands on. Let's look at some insanity, shall we?
The Entire Show Takes Place in Purgatory The catalyst for Full House rests on something that happens off camera. Danny Tanner's wife, Pam, is killed in a car accident that leaves Danny a widower. Overwhelmed by the responsibility of raising three girls on his own, he enlists his brother-in-law, Jesse, and college roommate Joey to help him care for them.
But what if it wasn't Pam that died? What if what really happened is that Danny was the one who was killed in an accident and the house represents the afterlife? According to one redditor, what actually happened was that Danny, DJ and Stephanie were killed and moved on to a half-state of existence between Heaven and Hell. Joey and Jesse don't come to live with them; they are already there, having preceded Danny in death.
Notice that I didn't mention Michelle. In this theory, Michelle is not an actual human child but an agent of Purgatory tasked with making ascension to paradise more difficult. It's wicked compelling too when you examine it.
All three men over the course of the show have a chance to achieve a beloved childhood dream, yet don't so as to stay in their comfort zones. Danny is at one point set to leave California for a bigger television gig, only to stay in his local hosting position because of his love of his family. Jesse's music becomes huge in Japan and he wants to follow up on his rock-star ambitions, but stays in San Francisco running a club after Michelle convinces him to stay. Joey also misses out on a chance to expand his comedy career until he becomes a local host of a cartoon show. He literally throws away his own path to become the embodiment of what makes Michelle happy and remain in the house.
There is plenty more to the theory, which explains everything from why Jesse's twin sons go from babies to toddlers almost overnight to why Danny seems to have such bad luck with women. All of it is a cleansing process designed to make Danny, Jesse and Joey strong enough to leave. Like the movie Defending Your Life, but with lamer jokes.
This story continues on the next page.
Who Is the REAL Father of All the Children Let's play Game of Thrones for a moment. You get the wedding dress; I'll learn "The Rains of Castamere" on my melodica. But before we go a-murdering, we're going to talk about genetics.
All three Tanner girls are blue-eyed, blond children of the damned. Their father, Danny, is brown-haired and brown-eyed. In flashbacks we see that Pam was indeed a blond (though not necessarily a natural one), but her brother Jesse is much more stereotypically Greek-looking, as are their parents. Now it is possible for Danny and Pam to have produced children with those markings, but it's really, really unlikely. Over at Wolf Gnards (Shout out to The Monster Squad, yo!), there's a handy chart on the basic combination of genes needed to make it happen.
Basically, Danny and Pam had about a 1 in 16 chance of having a single Aryan princess, which means that having three is a mind-boggling 1 in 4,096. Possible? Yes, but to put it in perspective, that's more than twice your odds of matching four numbers in the Texas Lottery.
But you know who could improve those odds? Blond-haired, blue-eyed Joey Gladstone, who is always conveniently around despite not being actually related to anyone. It explains why he stays with the family; he's raising his illegitimate children. His proximity would also explain why Jesse and his wife, Rebecca,, a brunette, have blond-haired, blue-eyed twin sons when the odds against that are ridiculous. By virtue of simple genetics, it's clear that DJ will not ascend to the Iron Throne...or even that comfy-looking chair on Wake Up, San Francisco.
Michelle Doesn't Exist I'm not breaking any new ground here by saying that Michelle Tanner was probably somewhere between Jar Jar Binks and a peanut skin stuck in your gums on the annoyance scale. Wouldn't the show be better off with 100 percent less "You got it, dude"? Well, last year one YouTuber answered that question, and in doing so invented something terrifying.
In Full House Without Michelle, the youngest Tanner girl has been edited out, but her scenes have not been. She's just been digitally erased as part of the maker's hypothesis that Danny deals with his grief over the loss of his wife by inventing an imaginary daughter to care for. He's so desperate to preserve some last bit of Pam that he actively hallucinates another child of hers to love.
It's creepy as hell, too. Everyone plays along with it, and Danny comes across as deeply unhinged. Take this video where Danny tries to potty-train her. Bereft of Michelle, it's an existentially horrifying chronicle of a grown man playing with dolls because he can't cope with loss. Then, his friends and family reinforce his delusion, probably on the orders of a very shady psychiatrist. So be careful what you wish for in television, folks, because sometimes things get really, really "Monkey's Paw" when you get what you want.
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