Fashion

The Buyer's Guide to Horrifying Baby Clothes

So you've had a baby. Good for you. Now is the opportunity for you to pass along all the lessons learned in your life, which is hopefully a culmination of all the lessons your ancestors learned as well. Of course, what if you're an idiot from a long, unbroken line of idiots? That's okay because they sell baby clothes just for you as well.

This onesie comes from Aryan Wear, which offers all your white power and skinhead needs including baby clothes. It retails for a fair price of $12 and comes in sizes NB to 24m. Honestly, it's not that bad except for the fact that you have to order it from a company like Aryan Wear.

Not that I'm coming out in favor of the white power movement or anything, but I'll say this. These guys know their audience and how to run a freakin' business. They have a handy FAQ that assures you that nothing on the package will be present to indicate your beliefs and maybe get your package thrown in the mail by an offended minority, and informs you of the legality of certain items in certain countries. Also, their customer feedback is just as positive as it can be. So...point Nazis?

There are a lot of antiabortion onesies out there, and I don't get it. I understand that you're passionate in your beliefs, but so are other people and if you think that the opposition gleefully murders babies, is it wise to antagonize them with a shirt on your child? Even among abortion onesies, this one goes a little far, what with making your baby look like it's covered in another child's blood.

In case you didn't click on the link, the header of that page is "Due to the loss of our baby, orders placed recently, today, and in the near future will be delayed. I appreciate your patience. Please pray for us at this difficult time. -Rachelle"

You know, as if this wasn't depressing enough.

Picking a single horrifying piece of baby clothing from T-Shirt Hell was almost impossible. In the end I skipped over "Priest Magnet," "Daddy Drinks Because I Cry" and "The Dogs Humps Me When You're Not Looking" to go with this classically bad pun.

On a similar note...Look, I'm still a fan of Michael Jackson's music. And yes, he was acquitted of all charges of sexual misconduct with a minor. That being said, do you really think it's appropriate to clothe your kid in the catchphrase of a man with that reputation? If so, here you go.

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner