Did you watch Super Bowl 50 because you're a big fan of the Denver Broncos or Carolina Panthers? Possible, but doubtful. Did you watch it because you were cheering for former Texans like Gary Kubiak, Wade Wilson and Owen Daniels? Then you're suffering from the NFL equivalent of Stockholm Syndrome. Maybe you appreciate the announcing style of Jim Nantz and Phil Simms? Well, then you're a liar and possibly deaf.
People watch the Super Bowl largely for the commercials. This isn't a controversial statement, as that's been the case ever since Apple's "1984" ad. Last night was a mixed bag, as usual, with mild comedy and movie trailers vying with out-and-out weirdness for supremacy. How did they do? Let's start with the quote-unquote "enjoyable" ones
Hyundai: "A Dad's Gotta Do What A Dad's Gotta Do"
Right out of the gate, Hyundai does close to the impossible: making Kevin Hart tolerable. As a father of daughters, I do approve the message. Still not enough to actually purchase a Hyundai, though.
This scenario isn't as far-fetched as it seems. When you look at all the garbage they put in Doritos, premature labor probably is one of the lesser side effects.
Ignoring the fact that only Communists and/or Scientologists put ketchup on hot dogs, this was pretty hilarious. Still, aren't those adorable dogs basically racing to their own demise?
Avocados from Mexico: "#AvosInSpace"
This Star Trek-inspired bit was cute enough, and anytime the starvation-related death of Scott Baio is implied, I'm on board.
A fairly predictable update on the theme Snickers has been using for quite a while. And it isn't like we haven't seen Willem Dafoe's junk before (Google it yourself).
Mountain Dew: "Puppy Monkey Baby"
This was a genius effort by Mountain Dew to distract America from the utter failure of the company's flavor experiments (Solar Flare!). My six-year-old thought this was hilarious, if that counts for anything.
NFL: "Super Bowl Babies"
The NFL, problematic at best when it comes to domestic issues, deflects by showcasing a bunch of "Super Bowl babies." That is, babies born nine months after their parents' teams won the championship. The message, I guess: Get out there and start fucking, America!
Michelob Ultra: "Breathe"
I don't know about you, but one of the primary reasons I work out is so I don't have to drink 95 calorie piss water.
Shock Top: "Unfiltered Talk"
This feels like a Deadpool outtake, and as much as I love T.J. Miller, he's the Jack Nicholson of sarcastic beardo roles. Also, the talking Shock Top tap handle is also now the immediate rival of the Silk almond in terms of talking product brand annoyance.
Try telling Buzz Aldrin that driving an overpriced German car is the equivalent of riding an orbital lander on top of 30,000 kN of thrust. Also: cheap trick using Bowie, assholes.
TurboTax: "Never A Sellout"
John Cleese did a variation of this 27 years ago and was considerably funnier. Also, Anthony Hopkins narrated How the Grinch Stole Christmas in 2000, so I think the sellout question has already been settled.
Are they pitching this date rape propellant to anyone living outside Williamsburg? Did I see man buns in this commercial? Kudos on backing away from the implication your product is aerosol Spanish Fly, I guess.
Xifaxan: "Don't Shit Your Pants"(?)
I didn't know what was missing from my life until I saw a colon clutching its own sphincter on a TV show watched by 100 million people. I'm also pretty sure no intestine is safe walking around the average tailgate. I don't recognize half the meats I see as it is.
PayPal: "New Money"
Take that, Ben Franklin! You weren't even a President! Also, look for 20 bitcoin commercials during Super Bowl 51.
Quicken Loans: "Rocket Mortgage"
"What if we did for mortgages what the Internet did for buying music?" Did you hear that? Houses are free, everybody!
Taco Bell: "Quesalupa"
Oh good, another post-ironic crap pouch people will consume because doing so is somehow perceived as an act of millennial insurrection. In other news, generations being born today will have shorter life spans than their parents', for some reason.
I hadn't heard of apartments.com before this commercial, so: mission accomplished. Switching streams for a minute, between this, the Independence Day trailer and the Jeep ad, Jeff Goldblum was in three commercials this Super Bowl. That might be a record if I wasn't too tired/drunk to look it up.
Bud Light: The Bud Light Party
I like Amy Schumer just fine, and Seth Rogen "Seth Rogens" as good as anybody out there, but did anybody else think this year really felt like a desperation heave by Anheuser-Busch? Between this, Helen Mirren's finger-wagging and Bud's aggro posturing ("Not imported"...but owned by a Belgian brewing company), it really feels like the end is nigh.
Dan Marino in a Super Bowl ad doesn't really work, for a number of reasons ("Laces out!"). Also this: "Alexa, is there any personally identifiable information I have yet to provide to your easily penetrated cloud servers?"
Matt Damon is back, and even more pissed off than usual. One punch! One punch!
So what you're saying is, all Scarlet Witch had to do in Age of Ultron was raid the fridge on the Quinjet?
Independence Day: Resurgence Trailer
Will Smith died so the world decided to build some more high rises? We deserve to be eaten by aliens.
Going by the end of Days of Future Past, we can safely assume Professor X, Rogue, Iceman, Jean Grey, and Cyclops all survive. Bad news, I guess, for Jubilee, Psylocke, and Magneto.
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