The other night while eating stale Christmas candy and watching a rerun of Friends on my bed, I realized that for the better part of the '90s I was obsessed with Jennifer Aniston's nipples on the long-running hit NBC comedy. They sustained me, maybe even gave me reason to live in this mad world.
By the time the show premiered in 1994 I would have been 11, and for most guys my age, Aniston was the most attractive lady out of the friends bunch. And it wasn't that weird angular haircut or her sassy attitude or the poor little rich girl arc of her character.
It was her constantly erect nipples in the cold confines of the studio where they filmed the show.
Now, as a grown man over a decade removed, it seems completely immature, but at the time this was a wonderful discovery, and the hope was that every Thursday night you'd get a cheap thrill, and we almost always did. I don't ever remember Courteney Cox or Lisa Kudrow nipping, but it probably wasn't as righteous as Aniston's, or at least eye-popping enough to remember.
Aniston's nipples were just two of the most iconic body parts of the '90s, along with Sharon Stone's coyly-revealed vagina in Basic Instinct, the severed penis of John Wayne Bobbitt, and the unnatural plumpness of Angelina Jolie's lips, which we first gandered during 1995's Hackers, a film which has yet to receive its proper love. HACK THE PLANET.
Fabio's Chest What made men hate him more, his sculpted chest or his long mane of horse hair?
Dennis Rodman's Hair He did more to make tattoos and colored hair cool than Rancid or Green Day in the early '90s.
Michael Jordan's Tongue Shorthand for perfection, now surrounded by a creepy Hitler 'stache.
Calista Flockhart's Skeleton At one point, Sally Struthers was even featuring her in commercials.
Tupac Shakur's Abs The abs and the tattoos are now iconic pieces of music history. THUG LIFE.
Cindy Crawford's Mole Even as the mother of two marches towards 50, the mole remains, along with her looks, which only seem to get better with age.
Pamela Anderson's Breasts Who did more to make boys into men during Saturday afternoon reruns of Baywatch and VIP?
Tommy Lee's Wang Men everywhere who were less endowed hung both their heads in shame after the Pam & Tommy sex tape hit the Internet.
Monica Lewinsky's Mouth With her cake hole, the intern helped sideline the United States government for nearly two years.
Nancy Kerrigan's Knee Why????? Why?????
Evander Holyfield's Ear The image of Mike Tyson biting a chunk out of Holyfield's ear remains the thing of nightmares.
Angelina Jolie's Lips Jolie may be the reason man invented collagen. We didn't realize how much we liked lips until we discovered Jolie for the first time in Hackers.
Jennifer Lopez's Ass As the years progressed, other asses like Kim Kardashian and Jessica Biel took over the crown, but after Selena, Lopez's asstastic mark was firmly entrenched into the national conversation.
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Sharon Stone's Vagina Apparently in the Blu-Ray version of Basic Instinct, the interrogation scene in which we see that Sharon Stone's character shuns panties is way better. (Or so we're told.)
John Wayne Bobbitt's Severed Penis (Shifts in seat) The world would never be the same after June 23, 1993 when angered housewife Lorena Bobbitt cut off the tip of her husband John Wayne Bobbitt's penis in a fit of rage. He later capitalized on the event, after reattachment surgery, by becoming a freak-show porn star and becoming a frequent guest of various jails across Nevada. Lorena is now a hair stylist with a child, and a story to tell for the rest of her life.