Our Proposed Rule Changes For The New XFL

A simpler time.
A simpler time. ESPN
As you’ve unfortunately heard by now, WWE chairman and CEO Vince McMahon is planning to reboot the XFL in 2020. For those whose memories have mercifully shuffled on to other things, the original XFL was a joint venture between McMahon’s then-WWF and NBC that debuted to impressive ratings in 2001. However, poor quality of play, competition from the NCAA Basketball Tournament, and an overreliance on gimmickry sank the league after one season. Or so we thought.

McMahon has promised changes for this new effort, to wit:

This is the future. And the future moves fast. This is quicker, simpler. Rules, reformed. This is your game safer. This is football reborn. This is gaming and fantasy, this is padded roulette. Make a trade, make a team, make a move, make a bet. This is fans above all. This is maximum action. Less stall more ball. Fewer infractions.

McMahon is promising quicker, safer games (that’ll be a neat trick) and claiming he wants “fan input and integration” to be a key component to development. Because if there's anything America needs, it's giving the kind of people who leave YouTube comments a bigger say. There are also these statements McMahon made about this kinder, gentler league:

"People don't want social and political issues coming into play when they are trying to be entertained," McMahon said. "We want someone who wants to take a knee to do their version of that on their personal time."

"We are evaluating a player based on many things, including the quality of human being they are. If you have any sort of criminal record or commit a crime you aren't playing in this league."
Putting aside the legality of restricting employment based on criminal record, it's pretty clear McMahon is pitching this alternative league to that segment of the America public who felt silent protests and on-field hijinx disrespected the NFL's military fetishism and laughable stance on domestic violence. There's a not-insignficant chance the new XFL never sees the inside of a stadium, but what the hell, let's play along. Here are my ten wholly serious "fan inputs" for the new league rules.

All Concussion Tests To Be Performed By Stone Cold Steve Austin

Anyone failing the test will be given two Miller Lites and told to hit the showers. Those deemed not to have suffered a concussion (and therefore goldbricking to get out of doing an honest day's work) will be given the Stunner and sent back on the field.

All Uniforms Will Be Some Variation Of Red, White, And Blue
In addition to confirming the League's fierce patriotism, this will have the added benefit of avoiding truly heinous color combos like the Packers' all-green unis from back in the day, or Tampa Bay's original Creamsicle togs.

Prime Time Games Announced By Holographic John Madden And Pat Summerall
Their NFL contracts were voided by their deaths, right? We have the technology, and it isn't like McMahon is above a little digital grave robbing. The announcing duos rebirth will open the door for all sorts of (literal) career resurrections. How great would it be having Jack Buck announcing MLB again (and replacing his jackass son?), or hearing Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football? Or watching Walter Cronkite report Trump's impeachment?

All Team Lettering And Logos Will Be Comic Sans
For it is a widely known fact that serif fonts are largely favored by Black Lives Matter activists and Clinton supporters.

Exciting New League Promotions

There will be a drawing each you to give free season tickets to anyone who:
 > Decorates their tailgate setup exclusively with officially licensed XML Truck Nutz.
 > Verifies their heterosexuality by remaining flaccid in the presence of a shirtless Alexander Skarsgård.
 > Successfully reports a neighbor to ICE.

Regarding Touchdown Celebrations
Any time a team scores, the opposing mascot is waterboarded.

No Outside Food Or Drink Allowed At Games
However, open or concealed carry weapons are welcome. In fact, if you can't bring a firearm of your own, an AR-15 or 9mm will be provided at the gate.

The National Anthem Will Play Before The Game, And Also Between Quarters And At The End
During halftime, the audience will be treated to a medley of Real American songs by the likes of Lee Greenwood, Charlie Daniels, and Toby Keith.

Quarterback Retaliation

After any "roughing the passer" penalty, the quarterback gets to hit the penalized player with a folding chair.

The Prohibition On Criminal Records Will Be Reversed Under...Certain Conditions
Welcome to the XFL, Johnny Football

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Peter Vonder Haar writes movie reviews for the Houston Press and the occasional book. The first three novels in the "Clarke & Clarke Mysteries" - Lucky Town, Point Blank, and Empty Sky - are out now.
Contact: Pete Vonder Haar