There But For The Grace Of Michael Lohan Go I

If you're a parent, one day you'll inevitably come to the sobering realization that your child's ultimate happiness is out of your hands. Naturally you're going to avoid feeding them Red Bull and Cheetos for lunch (that's a man's meal) or letting them juggle steak knives, but beyond common sense parenting tactics like "provide love and support" and "encourage proper dental hygiene," there really isn't one overarching prime directive that will ensure your kid grows into a well-adjusted, minivan driving adult.

But if there was, it'd be "don't let them enter show business."

Where to start? Patrick? Plato? Might as well stick the Duke, the A-#1 of current child star cautionary tales, Lindsay Lohan:

While Lindsay Lohan deals with drug addiction at the Betty Ford Center, the actress is also working through her very public differences with her father, Michael Lohan.

The father and daughter were photographed together during an outing Wednesday. [...] Lohan's legal troubles began when she was arrested twice in 2007 on charges of driving under the influence, and in the second incident she was charged with cocaine possession. The first arrest came after Lohan lost control of her Mercedes-Benz convertible and struck a curb in Beverly Hills. In June of that year, just two weeks after checking out of a Malibu drug and alcohol rehabilitation facility, she was arrested again. after a woman called Santa Monica police, saying Lohan was trying to run her down with a car.

As a parent myself, I often find myself on the Louis CK side of the argument when it comes to troubled offspring (6:21 mark), but then I've seen the elder Lohans interviewed, and...they're just awful. If I was as big a toolbag as Michael Lohan, I'd be surprised if my daughter didn't get all railed up and run her car off the road after making a Love Bug remake.

Then there's the most recent Disney disaster, Demi Lovato:

Teen pop queen Demi Lovato's recent meltdown allegedly was sparked by heavy drug and alcohol use, not the eating disorders and self-mutilation previously reported.

Last week, the 18-year-old Disney princess checked into an Illinois rehabilitation center citing "physical and emotional issues."

Also, Radaronline.com reported yesterday that a video of Demi snorting drugs is being shopped around to different media outlets, but they have not yet seen the tape.

Insiders told L&S that it was Demi's breakup with fellow teen pop star Joe Jonas that sent her on a downward spiral. She recently left her tour with the Jonas Brothers amidst rumors that she punched another girl in the face.

Her mother and stepfather then confronted Demi after "they overheard one of the dancers talking about it and freaked out. They heard Demi was drinking, but the news that her partying was getting out of control shocked them."

And before anybody gets on their high (on life) horse to exclaim, "They heard she was drinking?! She's only 18!" You should know all 18-year-olds drink. Yes, even yours. Especially yours.

LiLo, Demi, Britney, Miley...maybe it's time for CPS to visit the House of Mouse.

Finally, we hear some sage words from future Behind the Music star Taylor Momsen:

Taylor Momsen's not your typical 17-year-old.

The Gossip Girl star and Pretty Reckless singer has raised plenty of eyebrows with her foul-mouthed rants against Hollywood, super-skimpy Gothic wardrobe and other angry, age-inappropriate antics. (She's been snapped smoking cigarettes and recently flashed her breasts to a concert crowd.)

What's her problem?

"Everyone's like, 'Wow, why is she upset, and why is she so miserable about things?'" the blonde, kohl-eyed actress tells the November-December issue of Revolver mag. (On the cover, the lingerie-clad teen brandishes two guns.)

Explains Momsen: "My parents signed me up with Ford [Modeling] at the age of 2. No 2-year-old wants to be working, but I had no choice."

Momsen was 7 when she broke out as a kid star, playing Cindy Lou Who in How the Grinch Stole Christmas.

They grow up so fast.

And for the record, none other than Corey Feldman made similar comments about parental cuplability. We ignore the advice of Edgar Frog at out peril. Obviously Momsen needs a stable adult presence in her life, someone who's expressed a desire to have children of her own yet just doesn't seem to be able to meet the right guy...

That's right: Jennifer Aniston should adopt Taylor Momsen.

Now, I don't want to make it sound like all former child stars turn into bitter, withered shells of their former selves. For example, did you know Ian Ziering made it all the way to the semifinals of Dancing with the Stars? Not too shabby.

We take great pleasure in snickering at the misfortunes of the pretty, young and rich, because how hard can it be to keep it together when you don't have a mortgage, day care, or student loans to worry about? But it all go from tragic-comic to just plain tragic pretty quick.

I've sometimes considered how we would react if approached by an agent wanting to put one of my kids in a commercial or something. I'd probably consider it for a few seconds, and then my wife would end up shattering their sternum with a tire iron.

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