On Elimidate, four people pursue one person. And those four always seem to have desperate crushes on the fool being held up as a prize. They never say, "You know what? He's not my type." But that's okay, because Elimidate is a game -- a competition to see who's most alluring. The Bachelor, on the other hand, is a game that shouldn't be a game. We're talking about holy matrimony here, and yet the players seem content to let ABC tell them who to like. Andrew Firestone was the most charmless, vanilla dude in the world, but that didn't stop members of his harem from weeping hysterically about how much they loved him. If you want to fuck up your life on national TV, today, head to the men's department at Foley's in the Galleria, where there's a casting call for both The Bachelor V and The Bachelorette 2. Tip: Act as dumb as possible, displaying a herd mentality. You'll be in like flint. 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. 5015 Westheimer. For information, visit www.abc.com.
Friday, August 29
When your boyfriend dies, it's time to party. At least that's Morvern Callar's attitude in Lynne Ramsay's 2002 film, also called Morvern Callar. After discovering her man's body -- and a suicide note -- on Christmas morning, Callar goes ahead and opens his gift to her. Then she takes off with a girlfriend to Ibiza, Spain, to live the high life on the dead guy's dime, boozing and fucking away. From this description, Callar might not seem like a very nice person. But see the film, and you just might end up liking her. 8 p.m. Thursday, August 28, through Sunday, August 31. Rice Cinema, entrance no. 8, University Boulevard at Stockton Drive. For information, call 713-348-4882 or visit www.ricecinema.rice.edu. $5 to $6.
Saturday, August 30
We have a couple of theories about why Industry Cafe's Labor Day Weekend Beach Bash is open to guys 21 and up, and gals 18 and up. Maybe organizers were intimidated by guys 18 to 21 because they peak sexually during these years. Might as well weed out the stallions. Or, more likely, the boys aren't allowed in simply because they don't have boobies. Whatever the case, it's bullshit. There are more important issues to protest, though, so today, don your bikini tops, Hawaiian shirts and flip-flops and get down to tunes by DJ Wikka and the Beat Epidemic. To underage dudes: Have the last laugh by actually going to the beach instead of pretending you're there. That'll show 'em. 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. 2110 Rusk. For information, call 713-222-2233 or visit www.industrycafe.net. Free admission.
Sunday, August 31
The bars will be hopping this Labor Day Eve since no one has to work tomorrow. And if you do something constructive in the afternoon, you'll feel like you deserve a few rounds. Today at the Houston Arboretum and Nature Center, you can learn all about worms -- and not the computer kind -- at "Composting with Worms -- Be a Part of Global Worming!" The dirt-diggers that eat dead things will do wonders for your compost pile; at the talk, you can watch them in action. You'll even get a worm starter kit to bring home with you. 2 p.m. 4501 Woodway. For information, call 713-681-8433 or visit www.houstonnaturecenter.org. Free.
Monday, September 1
Have you ever wandered through the African gold exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts, Houston, secretly coveting artifacts for your personal use? If so, expect a similar experience when you see "Beyond Ornament: Contemporary Jewelry from the Helen Williams Drutt Collection." The unusual, mostly one-of-a-kind pieces were created by artists from around the world. Many of the works are not, as the exhibition's title suggests, so experimental that you wouldn't want to adorn yourself with them. A snakelike silver and polyester resin necklace made by Stanley Lechtzin in 1971, for example, would perfectly complement a little black dress. 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. 1001 Bissonnet. For information, call 713-639-7300 or visit www.mfah.org.
Tuesday, September 2
Been considering transporting a couple kilos of cocaine for a friend, just this once? Or, perhaps, butchering your lover's lover in a fit of rage? Before you do, we suggest visiting the Texas Prison Museum. Retired warden James Willett, who's overseen the execution of 89 inmates, will show you around the place. There's a contraband exhibit, filled with homemade weapons confiscated from prisoners, and an inmate art exhibit. But to really creep yourself out, take a good look at "Old Sparky," the red electric chair that was the undoing of 361 prisoners between 1924 and 1964. Maybe if no one's around Willett will let you sit in it for a moment or two. 491 Highway 75 North. For information, call 1-800-289-1389 or visit www.txprisonmuseum.org. $1 to $2.
Wednesday, September 3
Donna Durbin must've been burned by love at some point. In her exhibition, "Lifting the Veil," she seeks to "expand the societal myth of marriage." This is accomplished by creating an installation from recycled wedding dresses and tuxes, and allowing the public to scribble its thoughts on scraps of paper and pin them to a "story veil." According to Durbin, together, the dresses and notes make viewers "question our beliefs about love." Bitter, are we? Durbin will speak at the show's opening reception from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. at Houston Community College Art Gallery, central campus, 3517 Austin. For information, call 713-718-6600.