Kids

Houston Company Produces Insane Playhouses

Yo ho ho and a juice box
Yo ho ho and a juice box Screencap from Etsy
When I was a kid, my idea of a rich person’s playhouse was someone who had two couches for maximum cushion fort possibilities. For those who have real dough to drop, though, the possibilities are literally endless thanks to one Houston company: Tiny Town Studios.

A brief look through their wares on Etsy is enough to make you want to return to second grade just to have an excuse to crawl around these creations without bumping your head or living with knee pain. The company’s slogan is “imagination is what we live for,” and they certainly live up to it.

Take one of their more affordable options (pictured above). The Pirate Hideout and Play Tower will run you about $10,000, but for that price you get a “wacky” pirate shack, two decks, a slide, a rope bridge, and accessories. Delivery is not included in that price though, and it’s not exactly the sort of thing you can strap on top of a Prius. Although, if you try, I will pay good money to drive beside you and film it for a future article.

click to enlarge If you don't re-enact the Frenchman scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail with this then it should be legal for a more deserving family to take it from you. - SCREENCAP FROM ETSY
If you don't re-enact the Frenchman scene from Monty Python and the Holy Grail with this then it should be legal for a more deserving family to take it from you.
Of course, that’s the low end of what Tiny Town offers. For the truly well-heeled, how about a $40,000, three-story fortress so that your kids can play My First Game of Thrones (Dragons not included)? Storming a castle has never been more realistic than it is here, although in olden days these twisty slides were poop chutes invaders would climb up to attack.


Also, there’s nothing quite like giving rich kids their own literal castle they can defend against poorer kids who want to play. As we rocket into late stage capitalism, I feel a lot of valuable lessons can be learned here.

click to enlarge You can't be afraid of monsters in the closet when your bed has cannons. - SCREENCAP FROM ETSY
You can't be afraid of monsters in the closet when your bed has cannons.
Sorry, I did a politics. All social commentary aside, it really is amazing to see the level of ingenuity that Tiny Town Studios brings to the concept of whimsy. The fun doesn’t just happen outside; they handle the bedroom, too! For $7,500, you can outfit your child with a pirate ship bed with an up to ten-foot mast depending on your bedroom height.

The ship fits a twin bed, which seems a little small for such a giant bedroom accessory. The instructions also say you can assemble it at home in as little as two hours, a claim I find dubious considering it took me three hours and six cries in the corner to complete a crib from Target.

If you prefer science fiction to the high seas, they can do you an imperial walker bed from Star Wars. I like that the company openly admits that adults buy that one. You can also outfit one entire wall of your bedroom with a castle motif that folds down into a Murphy bed including large chain supports. I’m going to just let the obvious joke pass untold in the name of keeping this article family-friendly.

With theme parks and other child destinations denied to people because of the coronavirus outbreak, it’s nice to know that a local company can bring a reasonable facsimile to the safety of people’s backyards. Payment plans are available, so they’re not totally out of a middle-class family budget, either. If these were good enough for the Vanilla Ice Project, they’re certainly good enough for most people!
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Jef Rouner is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner