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Titanic and Four Other Horrible Things That Shouldn't Be in 3D

When a reporter writes a story, he gets a check. Sometimes, another publication likes that story so much that they want to run it in their publication. When that happens (sometimes), they send the writer another check, which is awesome because you already did the work.

Now picture that check in 3D and also the size of, say Delaware, and you have the basic gist of James Cameron's latest plan. Next year, on April 6, he will re-release his award-winning, blockbusting film Titanic into theaters in 3D. That's right, rather than bother coming up with an original idea and growing as an artist, Cameron will simply sprinkle magic 3D dust on a film that's already made him 1.21 gigabucks in an attempt to outdo George Lucas in draining the last dollar from a previously released work.

Look, we understand that Titanic was a big film. We can get behind that, hell, we'll even admit that it wasn't the worst film on a boat we've ever seen... that's McHale's Navy. However, we've been a Titanic nut since we were little. One of our favorite books is Walter Lord's A Night to Remember, which is a wonderful minute-by-minute account of the sinking.

You have to remember that the loss of the Titanic was also the greatest loss of life at sea ever. Is this really the kind of experience you want to feel you're in the middle of? Sure, we'll get as close to Kate Winslet naked as technology will allow, but there is the whole crushed to death, frozen to death, scalded to death, drowned to death, and just plain old deathed to death to deal with.

By Cameron's logic, we can probably expect to see...

SCHINDLER'S LIST

Easily one of the best films ever made, Liam Neeson stars as Oskar Schindler, a German businessman who managed to save the lives of hundreds of Jews by duping the Nazis. Watching Schindler grow from disinterested entrepreneur into a savior is an amazing journey, and for our money the final scene as he breaks down in tears over the lives he might have saved is the best thing ever filmed.

Hey, wouldn't it be great if that was in 3D? We could stand shoulder-to-shoulder with other people living under a perpetual death sentence from a fascist group of loony tunes while the man who has done everything in his power to prolong our lives collapses when he realizes how little he was able to accomplish against hate and bigotry. Of course, we'd have to colorize the film. Who would want to see black and white 3D?

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner