Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Call It Quits: Cash in Your Bets, Folks

Today Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced that they were splitting after five years of marriage, one child (Suri, six, no relation to the iPhone app) and a whole boatload of whispers, questions, bedevilment and tabloid guffawing. That's sorta going to happen when you go on Oprah and bounce up and down on a couch proclaiming your love for someone like a toddler on meth.

But it's always bittersweet when a Hollywood marriage ends, even if we had only a slight expectation for it to last. And by last, we usually hope for at least, well, five years. And Cruise and Holmes at least made it that far. It could be worse. They could have gotten married on E! in a sham, bullshit wedding.

What's next for these two? Cruise has only seemed to have gotten stranger and more Scientology-y since he hooked up with Holmes, and Holmes has turned largely into a stone-faced matron who rarely speaks, like a Muslim wife wearing an invisible burka. They never seemed like a husband and wife, but more like a Hollywood approximation of what a Hollywood husband and wife should look like.

What could be next for Cruise and Holmes? For one, Cruise's career seems to be entering -- FINGERS CROSSED -- Nicolas Cage territory, with recent roles in Rock of Ages and Knight and Day. No one was clamoring for Mission: Impossible -- Ghost Protocol, but he seemed to make it watchable and profitable. As for Holmes, there was that Kennedys miniseries that was largely a caricature and a hit piece, though she ably inhabited the role of Jackie Kennedy-soon-to-be-Onassis.

What I am really hoping for is for Cruise to hook up with his old '80s running buddy Charlie Sheen for some post-divorce meltdown rampage tips. Come on, Tom, start runnin' with the devil. And please, say no to Top Gun 2.

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Craig Hlavaty
Contact: Craig Hlavaty