Top 10 Creepiest Pokemon

There's a lot of popular things I just don't get... things like pro football, the genius of Led Zeppelin or why a person of any age would watch My Little Pony. Even in the realm of video games where I hide from the light of day throwing out articles so an editor will feed me and keep the blinking machine turned on, there are series that leave me baffled as to why anyone plays them.

Take Pokémon, for instance. It plays like an RPG that left school in the tenth grade to work at the Citgo, and the premise is a combination of Michael Vick and Manifest Destiny. Yet they just keep on shooting them out, and people keep on buying them. Maybe it's because of the cuteness of the Pokemon themselves, but you don't have to look real hard to realize that the creatures are actually as horrible as those flies that lay eggs in the brains of fire ants.

10. Gengar

The theory is that Gengar is the living, evil shadow of the much less creepy Clefairy. Considering its name is meant to echo the word doppelganger, and that its diet is apparently human souls, Gengar is apparently what happens when David Lynch decides the Black Lodge would make an excellent cartoon.

9. Cubone

All Cubones wear the skulls of their mothers as helmets, and spend their lives crying and singing sad songs in memory of them. At best, they are all orphans of some kind of mompocalypse, or at worst they are all mentally unhinged cannibals straight out of the Twisted Metal universe.

8. Darumaka

His poop is so hot that people put it in their pockets to keep warm. Oh, Japan.

7. Spoink

When I was a kid I, remember reading about how sharks have to keep moving or they die. I thought, "That's sad," until I remembered, "Man, fuck sharks." Spoink is the same thing, but more adorable and therefore sad. If it ceases bouncing even for a moment, its heart stops.

6. Farfetch'd

Farfetch'd is based on an old Japanese joke about a duck fetching a leek for someone's dinner, only to be included in the meal. The Pokedex clearly states they are rare because they are delicious, which means its existence is either fight for a player's amusement or be eaten with the side dish it carries with it.

5. Parasect

When Paras evolves into Parasect, that evolution is actually the fungal growth on its back taking over all its bodily functions and ruling it like a damn Body Snatcher. That's why its eyes go pupilless... because it is now a zombie being directed by a cruel mushroom.

4. Banette

First off, your name is "BAN IT!" so there's your first clue. Banette is a discarded doll seeking its owner that gathers energy for curses by sticking pins into itself. Yes, self-mutilation for black magic, that's the ticket to greatness.

3. Alakazam

An interesting bit of trivia about Alakazam is that he loses weight when he evolves from Kadabra. The reason for this is that his brain constantly increases throughout his life to better use his psychic powers. This means that he is forced to channel psychic energy to move, and the weight loss is likely his muscles atrophying like someone with muscular dystrophy.

2. Lampet

A lot of Pokémon seem to be keen on the taste of human soul. At least Lampet doesn't kill you. Nope, it just hides near you waiting for you to die so it can swoop in and imprison you in its light.

1. Drifloon

Pretend you're a kid, because if you are one, you should probably not be reading things I write. Suddenly you see a balloon just floating by and decide to grab it because balloons are awesome. Except this one is actually a predator disguised as a balloon whose strings are actually snares meant to drag children off to a grisly, probably Don Hertzfeldt-inspired death.

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