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Top 10: Scarlett Johansson's New Dudes

Yes, the sad news came this week that Scarlett Johansson and hubby Ryan Reynolds are divorcing after two years of marriage. It looks like a match made in heaven, at least for the tabloids. They are arguably two of the most attractive film stars going right now, with multiple projects in the works.

Plus, Johansson has big boobs, huge lips, and looks exactly like how marijuana and ecstasy make you feel. I'm assuming most of my ex-girlfriends fantasized about Ryan Reynolds while we were having sex, but I have nothing but love for Van Wilder.

Now that Scar Jo is on the market, who should she see start seeing next? We assume she'll be needing some time off from a relationship, and I wouldn't want her to offend Reynolds by dating an overly-attractive guy like myself so soon after their split. I'm not a monster.

Click ahead for the top 10 candidates.

10. George Clooney We all want, you want, just get it over with and let him put the stuff in you and have the pretty babies.

9. Taylor Lautner Try some young stuff for a change. If it works out, you have a fistfight with Taylor Swift to look forward to in the bathroom at the Oscars, plus a concept album all about how your boobs are big and stupid and you're a bitch.

8. Drake "Game set, match point. She's a good woman, makes me feel like an iron man too. Vicky Cristina, buy an island off Barcelona. Scarlett, oh hell yeah."

7. Daniel Radcliffe What? He's grown up now. Maybe this wizard can cast a spell on her heart? Maybe I can admit to the world that I've never seen a Harry Potter movie finally. That's the one with the fat kid that does the Truffle Shuffle, right? And they're looking for the lord of the rings?

6. Dan Auerbach If you think the singing-and-strumming half of the Black Keys writes sexy jams now, imagine what he could do after he gets to see Scar Jo in the shower or eating ice cream out of the carton wearing only a pair of yoga pants and a wife-beater.

5. Chris Pine Finally comic book nerds and Star Trek nerds can become one for a change. And Scarlett Pine has a nice ring to it.

4. Justin Timberlake You are a dumb, for real, if you don't go after Timberlake. Jessica Biel may have an ass that makes God cry tears of joy, but you are Scarlett Johansson, for shit's sake. Have you ever seen yourself in GQ? Or The Island?

3. Emma Stone & Katy Perry & Christina Hendricks At The Same Time Just run with it. I won't judge you Scarlett, you are who you are. It's 2010. Live a little.

2. Jim James These both seem like very sleepy people, like you could see them sleeping all day and she would comb his beard while they listened to gospel 78's.

1. Craig Hlavaty This rough-and-tumble music and pop-culture writer and noted raconteur from Houston knows a thing or two about a thing or too. This balding, bearded and respectful-to-a-fault gentleman who would love to shop for dish soap with you at Target on a Sunday might be the only man in America who still listens to your Tom Waits cover albums on his own accord.

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