Top 10: Things in Your Closet You Must Destroy Now

Next month, we'll be a whole year into the new decade. While we still aren't quite sure how to refer to it yet (the twenty-teens?), we can think of 10 fashion trends we'd like to stay permanently fixed in the past.

10. Harem Pants Harem Pants are the fashion equivalent of the mullet: tight at the ankles, baggy in the crotch. We have yet to see anyone look attractive in these things. After all, how sexy can you be when you look like you've just dropped a load in your pants?

9. Pants with Words on the Butt No one wants to read your ass. Ok, there are probably some guys who do, but the kind of guys that get turned on by a butt that has "Sexy" written across it are not the kind of guys you should be hanging out with. If your butt really is "Juicy" you don't need to label it.

(SIDE NOTE: We'd like to see a line of loungewear with phrases like "Great Personality", "World's Greatest Mom" or "Mensa" written across the back.)

8. Scarves on Dudes If you have a penis, please, for the love of God, don't wear a scarf. Do you think Don Draper would be caught dead wearing an oversize Himalayan knit neck wrap with a t-shirt in the dead of summer? Fuck. No. Ascots fall under this umbrella as well. The only way they will make you look sophisticated is if sophistication suddenly becomes a synonym for douchebag.

7. Anything Sequined, Bedazzled, or Rhinestone Encrusted Nothing takes an item from classic to tacky faster than a rhinestone appliqué. Ladies, this includes your hoo-ha.

6. Velour Tracksuits But they're so comfortable? We understand, we really do. If we had it our way we'd be in yoga pants and soft, threadbare t-shirts everyday. But that's just not the world we live in. And then there's the fact that every tracksuit we see reminds us of The Octomom. Or Sue Sylvester.


(Fat Guy vs. Skinny Jeans. If your mom has to help you tuck in your fat, this look is not for you.)

5. Skinny Jeans on the Not-So-Skinny Confucius say: Is skinny jean worn by fat guy still skinny jean? Rock stars have been slinking around in these for decades. Unfortunately, many have also been doing heroin for decades, resulting in the rail-thin frame necessary to pull off the look. Heavier legs in skinny jeans tend to look like denim-wrapped chicken drumsticks. Not built like a coat hanger? Who cares--accentuate your curves, you sexy bitch. Just don't wear pants made for someone that is.

4. Neon One of the most disturbing aspects of the '80s fashion resurgence was the revival of neon clothing. Suddenly, everyone was walking around looking like crossing guards. Unless you have a stint of roadside-community-service trash collection in your future, any neon clothing needs to go.

3. Colored Denim Another terrifying '80s comeback. No one over the age of 10 has any business in a pair of teal jeans. Grey or black is ok, but acid-wash should be outlawed.

2. If It Says Ed Hardy, It Has to Go Overexposure kills quickly. Your shirt just isn't cool when you can grab a matching lighter at the neighborhood Valero.

1. Uggs The Australian sheepskin boots have been popping up on fashion shit-lists since 2005 but the damn things will not go away. The original "Classic Short" was bad enough, but now they're available in pastels, floral prints, and (shudder) sequins. There's even a collaboration series by Jimmy Choo. $800 for a pair of studded work boots? We can think of 800 ways our hard-earned money would be better spent.

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Lauren Marmaduke
Contact: Lauren Marmaduke