Film and TV

Top Five: Inanimate Objects That Deserve a Horror Movie

If you see only one movie in 2011, see the final Harry Potter flick. However, if you see two movies, you gotta see Rubber. The film is the story of a tire with psychic, explodey-head powers that goes on a murderous rampage. Nothing in that last sentence is made up! Rubber debuted at Cannes this year, where half the audience booed and the other half howled in delight. We'll be seeing it on Video on Demand here starting February 25, and there'll be a limited theatrical release on, we shit thee not, April Fool's Day.

Hopefully, Robert's tale--did we mention the tire's name was Robert?--will usher in a whole new genre of horror film, one that we henceforth christen Junkxploitation! In that spirit, here are five inanimate objects we think should totally murder people in future cinematic endeavors.

5. Coffee Cups Coffee is one of those things that has become almost totemic in modern society. Starbucks reigns like a conquistador, and there are people who simply cannot do without the brown caffeinated ambrosia. But the containers of this obsession are usually thrown away without even a thank you.

The horrifying revolution starts small. Led by a charismatic venti container, the cups of the world begin quietly emptying themselves when unobserved. The whole populace becomes very sleepy, and less alert. Finally, the word is given, and armed with scalding hot concotions the cups begin the murder of the human race by scalding their masters to death. A few humans are kept alive as slave labor to create more cups, farm the coffee bean fields, and work as baristas. As the film closes, you see the cup leader commanding a giant cup tower, with the intent of spilling on God!

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Jef Rouner (not cis, he/him) is a contributing writer who covers politics, pop culture, social justice, video games, and online behavior. He is often a professional annoyance to the ignorant and hurtful.
Contact: Jef Rouner