It started with a pinching of your cheeks. A vigorous pat on your head. Now, it's turned into a full scale interrogation.

Thanksgiving dinners signify togetherness and appreciation. They may also signify the first time in 365 days that you've seen your parents and close relatives.

The dreaded Q&A begins. And naturally, you are on the answering/averting end. The hackneyed queries are much like the turkey on the table--stuffed with varying-degrees of resentment, obliviousness and judgment. However, your replies don't have to be appeasing and civil. Garner the upper hand with these verbal volleys:

5. Q: When are you two getting married? A: Remind me--how long have you two been divorced? We live in Texas--it may be a while. When was the last time you got laid?

4. Q: Are you still single? A: Are you still in a joyless, cardboard marriage--raising children to be as miserable as you someday? You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet.

3. Q: Wait, you're still not done with school? A: Sorry, accredited schools take a little longer. It's called a double major.

2. Q: When are you gonna find a real job? A: I play an imaginary character--the job is real. You mean a job that interests me, fulfills me creatively and makes me happy? I have that. When you find some real breasts.

1. Q: You voted for whom? A: We share genes, not political views. Wait, you said WHOM? This was an election, not "Dancing With The Stars."

BONUS Q: When are you two gonna make us grandparents? A: Sorry, we like our prophylactics. Remember those questions about a "real job" and "finishing school"?