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(UPDATED: With Jones' Quasi-Apology) Two and A Half Men and the Lord: Ashton Kutcher and Miley Cyrus Drive Angus T. Jones to Jesus?

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Welcome to the party, Angus T. Jones.

The farting cherub who grew up in front of our eyes over how ever many seasons of Two and A Half Men is now denouncing his cash cow as "filth" of the highest order now that he goes to church.

Well, guess what, Mr. Jones, we have all thought that for the past decade. You aren't a pioneer, dude. We only watched the show because...I don't remember now. Self-flagellation?

UPDATE: And He Now Apologizes Because $$$$$$$$$$$

And it pains me that you think a show that featured Jenny McCarthy, Mimi Rogers, Melanie Lynskey (hey, I got a thing for her), Miley Cyrus, Megan Fox and whoever your former co-star Charlie Sheen was having sex with was some sort of horrific experience.

For all we know, you lost your virginity to one of his goddesses. Was it Bree? Shame on you for betraying your place in this world and looking a gift vagina in the mouth.

You're surrounded by beautiful every day at work, you won't have to work another day in your life and you are only 19 years old. And after all that, you decide to piss on your past because the show "adversely affects the brain"?

If I was getting paid $7.9 million to be on a nationally televised sitcom, I would lick the gold dust-stained Toms of whoever was writing the checks. Daily.

What was it? The addition of Ashton Kutcher to the mix last season? He would drive me to drink on the regular, too. In fact, I think I had my first movie beer while watching Dude, Where's My Car?

We skipped school and snuck beer into the theater, what of it?

It couldn't have been Miley Cyrus that threw you over the edge of sanity with Two and A Half Men. Did she offer you a marijuana cigarette backstage? Was it the hair? I like her new hair. I think she's attractive. You were getting paid to hang out with a tiny Brigitte Nielsen.

And poor Jon Cryer, was he not enough to keep you moral and sound? Ducky? And as for producer Chuck Lorre, hasn't the man been through enough? Why rock the boat with your teenage logic? You can't even rent a car.

Plenty of people do things for money that go against their core religious beliefs and you should, too. It's the American way.

Even porn stars are more well-adjusted than you. Seriously, read the study. And tell Kirk Cameron I said hello!

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