At some point in history, the CW decided that its prime-time programming would be geared specifically toward middle-American teens and fuel their desires for Manolos and vampires by airing poorly scripted but irresistible high school soap operas. There are so many disdainful characters on these shows that you can't help but be enamored with them (not speaking for myself...of course).
The plots get very muddled and at times are completely ambiguous, so to guide you through, Art Attack has compiled a quick recap of some of our favorites with predictions, apropos of nothing, of what's to come. For all you out there that can't help living vicariously through the legion of breakups, hookups, tight dresses, back-stabbings, werewolves, secret siblings, secret societies, drug abuse, drug rehabilitation, murders, SAT prep classes and underage drinking, here is what we predict for the channel's most popular shows this year.
90210 Where We Are: How can such a gorgeous and wealthy group of people with no parental guidance have so many problems? When we last surfed the Beverly Hills beach, Naomi had fallen for the too-good-looking-to-be-a-nerd Max and to help her pass high school, he secretly cheated on a paper for her. Being the bigger man, she took the heat. None of this mattered very much because she was pregnant with his baby. Meanwhile, Ivy, the least important character on the show, had a last-minute wedding to her dying boyfriend Raj. When you are as rich as she is, you can book an elephant for your wedding in less than five minutes. Annie and Liam talked college and Liam was not having any of it, but no one seems to have any real college plans at all! The gang's high school graduation came out of nowhere and that's the end of that. Where Do We Go From Here? Right off the bat, we know Naomi is not pregnant because her character requires a bikini to survive. She most likely lost the baby (which is sad, yes), but it will break up her and Max so that she can get involved with a college frat-head. We bet that fratboy will surprise everyone with his sensitivity. They will break up by mid-season. Dixon will have a big break in the music industry, à la David Silver, and find that he has fallen in with a bad crowd. He will be doing a lot of drugs to fit in, causing him to disassociate from the group. The only person who understands him is Adrianna. The two of them have never hooked up yet, so it's about time. Liam and Annie, who cares?
Gossip Girl Where We Are: Chuck and Blair, Blair and Chuck. Sabrina and every other guy in Manhattan. Vanessa has really gone to the dark side and stole Dan's manuscript about his life (I'm sure everyone really wants to read that) and sold it as her own. But the real story in this show is always Chuck and Blair. Blair is engaged to a prince, but she shows her true feelings when she chases after Chuck into a trap at the top of a building -- will she die? Where Do We Go From Here? Literally nowhere. We predict this show will do nothing this season but showcase amazing clothing, horrible acting and make you want to live on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. Hopefully, there will be no surprise return of Little J.
One Tree Hill Where We Are: In the past eight years, the little town of One Tree has seen its fair share of love triangles, scandal and basketball. Since Season 7, the show moved forward without two of its main characters and lost ratings and fans. Brooke and Julian finally tied the knot and quickly became pregnant with twin boys. Side plots found Victoria, Brooke's evil mom, disowning her for the sale of their million-dollar clothing line. This show has not just jumped the shark with out-of-body experiences, but has also jumped timelines, skipping several years of the Tree Hill group's lives. Where Do We Go From Here: This is, sadly, the last season of OTH, so it's sure to be crazy! We predict Brooke and Julian will get divorced because of some paranormal activity. Later, we will find out that it is because of Victoria, Brooke's mom, that the town is haunted. She's done it to get back at Brooke for naming their company "Clothes Over Bros," because it's such a horrible name for a clothing line. Alex, Brooke's sister, is finally accepted by the gang, only to mess it up by doing copious amounts of meth. We also forecast a Chad
Michael Murray resurfacing for the last episode of the show.
Vampire Diaries Where We Are: This show is really just your classic love story: Girl meets vampire, girl falls for vampire, vampire's brother enters the picture and also falls for girl, it is discovered that girl looks like both brothers' long-lost love and werewolves show up too. In the last season things got very complicated. Elena's doppelganger Katherine shows up and all hell breaks loose. Klaus, the oldest vampire in history, comes to hunt Elena down and break an ancient curse.
Where Do We Go From Here? The love triangle will persist! With Elena making out with brother number two and brother number one giving in to his bloodthirsty side, we predict that Damon will come out on top as Elena's new/old love interest. Alaric, the vampire hunter, will really kick it into gear next season, maybe even taking down a main character or two.
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Smallville Where We Are: Last season we saw Clark Kent save the world against General Zod using the Kryptonian Book of Rao. The season found itself going back to its comic book roots, with a crucial kiss between Clark and Lois. Now Lois knows that the nerd and the superhero are one and the same! Where Do We Go From Here: After ten years, Smallville will hang up its cape forever. The final season is sure to be a big one. General Zod has made himself human and will be the driving antagonist until the bitter end. Lois Lane, who has not told Clark that she knows that he knows... wait... he doesn't know that she knows he is Superman. We predict that she will harbor this secret for most of the season, but she'll spill the beans to Zod to escape being killed. Will the whole world find out the real identity of its savior? Maybe, but if this show wants to really end with a bang, Bruce Wayne would show up in the final episode.