Believe it or not, tonight wraps up season 11 of Dancing with the Stars. It seems like only yesterday we were bidding farewell to "The Hoff" and Michael Bolton was taking offense at Judge Bruno's harsh comments about his "jive" dancing (while remaining curiously unaffected by similar criticisms of his music). But a winner will be certainly be crowned tonight, leaving us cold, lonely, and DWtS-less for a whole four months.
Who will win? Not since the Apollo 13 crisis -- or maybe Season 6 of The Apprentice -- has our country been in such a state of suspense. Will it be rhinoplasty casualty Jennifer Grey? Disney stooge Kyle Massey? Or the most improbable finalist of all, belated abstinence advocate Bristol Palin? Palin advanced to the finals last week despite posting the lowest score (the fifth time she and partner Mark Ballas have done so), which led to accusations of (*gasp*) voter fraud.
Clearly we are dealing with a scandal of such magnitude the very foundation of American Republican ideals might be shaken to the core. In spite of this, there are actually several reasons you should be hoping Bristol brings home the coveted mirror ball trophy.
A Vote (Or Five) For Bristol Is A Vote For Democracy Americans are proud of the fact they have a vote (even if large segments of the population are apparently too busy to do so on election day), and Dancing With the Stars allows you to vote up to five times via toll-free phone number. And it counts for as much as the judges' scores, meaning the fact Bristol and Mark were at the bottom of the judges' cards again last night doesn't matter. And in another clever strategy, ABC also recently allowed voting using text messages and on their web site. You don't even need a valid email address to do so, which means we can satisfy our innate American need to cast hundreds (if not thousands) of ballots without being restricted by outdated ideals like "one vote per person." I mean, what is this: Botswana?
It's Not The Dancing, Stupid Don't believe me? Then why does host Tom Bergeron say -- even before showing the phone numbers -- to "vote for your favorite?" Not "vote for the best dancer" (that'd probably be Jennifer Grey this time around), or "best tattoos" (Margaret Cho), or "hairiest chest" (Florence Henderson), but favorite? Certainly your criteria for that may include quality of hoofing, but it could just as easily include apparent fecundity or the number of pictures depicting a contestant holding a beer and/or firearm online.
My personal benchmark is the number of times the contestant does that breast shake per episode.
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She's a *Real* Person, Dammit
Sending Bristol home with a win would not only send a message to "lamestream" media dinosaurs like ABC, it would serve as a wake-up call to the arrogant celebrities on the show that you don't have to be a former underwear model, or a...former bikini model to make something of yourself. Sometimes having a famous mother and earning $30,000 on the lecture circuit as a "teen abstinence ambassador" just has to be enough.
Love Is In The Air It may be a little unclear, given the stiff delivery and general incoherence of anything coming out of The Situation's mouth, but could romance be in bloom? What better pedigree for future offspring than a set of killer abs combined with a firm moral upbringing?
If There Is Any Justice In The Universe, It Will Be The Last Election A Palin Will Ever Win A little karmic balance isn't too much to ask for, is it?