Who Watches Maury? 5 Types of People, According to the Commercials

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I love Maury. He's the best. I don't know how he sleeps at night, but I would imagine quite comfortably on mattresses stuffed with crisp $50 bills and pieces of real moon rock.

The only real issue I have with his show is the lack of variety. You used to be able to expect more out of the show than the "Who's the Father?" format. There were "Is It a He or a She?" shows and "Nerd to Hottie" shows, in which desperate, fragile people got to show off their newfound hotness to old high school crushes or bullies. Good, but not as good as the "Out of Control Teens" episodes -- one girl had sex for a cheeseburger!

People often say, "Who watches that shit?" Well, obviously, me, for one. But other than me, who seriously watches Maury? There's a way to tell: the commercials.

5. The Unemployed

During one commercial break, when I was waiting to see whether or not Diego was going to step up and "be there," whatever the hell that means, there were five commercials that ran. Three of them were for-profit college commercials.

Everest College, Remington College, something called Fortis College and even one called ICDC College (they never say what the acronym stands for). ICDC's spokesman is none other than Romeo Miller, otherwise known as Master P's son. Trust him -- he was on a dancing-competition show.

These dubious ads promise scholarships, cutting-edge technology and hands-on training that will get you a job in no time. They always interview some rags-to-riches alumnus and show numerous, cheesy stock photos of people being nurses or lawyers or something. Pretty bleak.

4. The Credulous

Forgetting the fact that you must already be gullible to think that Maury actually gives two flying shits for any of the exceedingly fertile people that are on his show, you must really be deluded if you believe some of the things that daytime TV ads promise you.

One ad was for a company called Free Invention Kit. If you have a good idea, just give them a call and you can make millions!

Yeah, right. That's about as convincing as Marcus's story that he didn't cheat on his wife, he got raped. They already invented the lie detector, at least, and Marcus failed the shit out of that one.

3. The Victims

In one of my favorite Maury bits ever, Paul claimed to be the victim of Dominique's devious intentions. Her plan? Seduce Paul with Chicken Tetrazzini.

And while Paul was certainly dipping his fork into much more than just the bowl of Chicken Tetrazzini, he was still, in his own way, a victim.

So are many of the Maury viewers, apparently. I counted about five personal injury lawyer ads which ran during the show. One even had James Tiberius Kirk convincing you to call Smith & Hassler, whoever the hell they are.

If you have suffered a car accident, on-the-job injury or, my personal favorite, were a user of the birth control NuvaRing and are looking to join a class action lawsuit over the side effects, then there is definitely a lawyer out there for you.

2. The Poor

Usually, people give you money in exchange for something -- something like work.

But if you believe Montel Williams, former daytime-star-cum-shady-loan-vendor-spokesman, all you really need to do when you need some quick cash is call his company, Money Mutual, for an "easy way to get short-term cash...fast."

Or, if you own a car, just put up the title to it and you can get some free money. That's a real thing, too. As real as Victoria making good on her promise to have a baby no matter what.

1. The Gallery Furniture Shopper

No shit. Gallery Furniture has an ad running almost every commercial break. In it, you can see a group of comfortable, white suburban women enjoying some white wine on their plush couch.

They also have easy financing available, so go get some of Montel's easy money and get yourself a love seat, for Christ's sake.

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