If you believe host Vernon Kay, Skating with the Stars is the most dangerous competition on network television, "The performances will be just as explosive, the costumes even tinier, but there is an added element of danger -- razor-sharp blades of steel strapped to the feet of six very nervous stars!" Perhaps. (If you threw the cast on a deserted island armed with nothing but the blades on their ice skates.)
The show does have a few things going for it, namely the very quotable Johnny Weir: "Rebecca, that was so hot, I almost sweated out my weave!" and, "That was so elegant. I totally got you channeling bunnies frolicking across a beautiful meadow." And Sean Young's megalomania: "My edge over the other people: Looks, talent, nervous system, toughness. The better question is what edge don't I have."
But for the most part last week's premiere felt hammy and overhyped. We found ourselves imagining other activities and shows that would be made even more entertaining "with the stars" and the cast we'd love to see doing them.
Roller Derby with the Stars Scantily clad women inflict serious bodily injury upon one another while roller-skating around a track. This sport screams reality television. Toss a few pampered Hollywood princesses on the track with notorious celebrity bad girls and we've got ourselves a show.
Fantasy Lineup: Mylie Cyrus, Courtney Love, Naomi Campbell, Emma Stone, Paris Hilton, Tonya Harding, Hillary Duff, Pamela Anderson, Britney Spears, Pink, Natalie Portman, and Kirsten Dunst.
Wife Swap with the Stars Angelina Jolie goes to live in an Appalachian trailer park; Appalachian trailer park mom spends the next week as Mrs. Brad Pitt. Enough said.
Fantasy Lineup: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani
Intervention with the Stars It's disturbing. It's heartbreaking. It's mesmerizing. Who knew watching addicts fighting with loved ones, doctors and police could be so damn captivating? Now just imagine all of the sycophantic enablers a celebrity version would reveal. There's no shortage of crazy and morally handicapped in Hollywood, and that makes for good TV.
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Fantasy Lineup: Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse, Charlie Sheen, David Hasselhoff, Randy Quaid, and Kiefer Sutherland
MMA/UFC with the Stars The concept is nothing new. MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch pitted claymation stars against one another for 6 seasons. Dallas Maverick's owner Mark Cuban started researching "Fighting with the Stars" shortly after his run on DWTS. The problem is finding celebrities willing to take on an endeavor with a high probability of injury to the face.
Fantasy Cast: Daniel Craig, Russell Crowe, Tiger Woods, Colin Farrell, 50 Cent, Mark Wahlberg, O.J. Simpson, Sean Penn, and Mel Gibson.
And the Jonas Brothers.