It was perhaps fitting, during the occasion of what was arguably the worst Super Bowl contest of all time -- a 43-8 shellacking of the Denver Broncos by the Seahawks of Seattle -- that we saw some of the most lackluster advertising of the modern SB era last Sunday.
It would be easier to single out the ads that *didn't* suck: Radio Shack's 80s homage, whatever that car with the Muppets in it was, Jamie Casino! Because when you're spending $4 million a spot, you're not going to risk alienating people with dystopic, Orwellian imagery anymore.
The good news was, with commercials that bad, there wasn't any point in watching the game after it went completely into the toilet (roughly 12 seconds into the third quarter). That still meant 90+ minutes of bad advertising.
That Jamie Casino thing was bananas, though. Seriously.
Bob Dylan for Chrysler
There were people more offended by the fact the former unenthusiastic voice of his generation became a shill for Chrysler (and Chobani) last Sunday, though many of them seem to have conveniently forgotten his previous Victoria's Secret spot. I honestly think the only person who would surprise me by making a commercial at this point are Neil Young. Or Ian MacKaye. It was still an overblown piece of garbage.
And former Drive-By Trucker Jason Isbell had the best commentary:
Bud Light - "Ian Up For Whatever"
After the weeks of buildup, that? The bit started out promisingly enough, with the rather mookish Ian hopping into a stretch ... Hummer? Escalade? I'm not up on my luxury douchemobiles. Anyway, ending it with a Schwarzenegger table tennis tournament seemed somehow anticlimactic. And that's certainly not a statement I would've made 30 years ago.
Cheadle with a llama was a nice touch, though.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
The last movie in the Transformers franchise grossed over a billion dollars, so not even the presence of Mr. Excitement himself will keep Paramount from continuing to churn out movies that consist of -- as the best comment I saw on Facebook put it -- "two junkyards fucking."
Budweiser - "Puppy Love"
Lots of people put this one on their "best of" lists, apparently because they're all unabashed perverts. Listen to the Passenger song that's playing in the background: "only know you love her when you let her go?" It's about a couple drifting apart, making the implication obvious: the dog is having sex with the horse.
At least I hope it's that, and not the other way around. You know how that ends up.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Axe - "Make Love, Not War"
National Lampoon's Animal House got it wrong: Eric "Otter" Stratton didn't become a Beverly Hills gynecologist, he actually went on to found Axe. Only someone that fucking smarmy could concoct this repulsive mishmash of wartime atrocity and rom-com cliches.