Your 2012 Emmy Awards Recap-a-Palooza

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For those who care about such things, the 64th Primetime Emmy Awards aired last night. Hosted by late night mook Jimmy Kimmel, the program awarded the creme de la creme of last year's television programming. And also Jon Cryer.

If you're the gambling sort, I hope you had money on Homeland, Modern Family, and HBO's Game Change. In other words, I hope you didn't take my predictions too seriously (I was seven for 15, but who's counting?). And if you did, well...gambling's very bad for you.

What follows are my more or less stream of consciousness ramblings from the broadcast, which can best be summed up with, "Seriously, Kevin Costner beat Benedict Cumberbatch?"

Did I mention Jimmy Kimmel hosted? Well, he did, and hit the ground running. His pre-show skit consisted of his dealing with the aftereffects of a botched Botox procedure. That's right, people are still making cosmetic surgery jokes in 2012. And then he mispronounced "Honey Boo Boo." Couldn't they get somebody who works in television?

The newly single Amy Poehler emerged from mourning to present an award (see below). You know, I thought my former girlfriend cornered the market on the post-relationship middle finger to the ex when she slept with two of my friends, but Poehler's dress was a close second.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES goes to Eric Stonestreet. The "Modern Family award" indeed goes to a MF actor, just not the one I picked. This would be the first in a long an boring series of wins for the show.

I didn't believe for one minute presenters Jim Parsons and Zooey Deschanel had ever spoken before their Comedy Writing award presentation. But no matter because OUTSTANDING WRITING IN A COMEDY SERIES went to Louis C.K. I didn't include the category in picks this one, but I totally would've gone with Louie. For reals. His show is occasionally uneven, but for sheer balls no one else on TV even comes close

Oh hey, Kat Dennings. Sorry you're up there with that goofy hack Jon Cryer.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES is Julie Bowen. Seriously people, Modern Family hasn't been funny in two years, yet it would go on to win some eight thousand awards. And of course, as soon as I said that, it wins Best Directing as well. Once again I've proven I have my elbow firmly planted on the pulse of America.

Mindy Kaling comes out to co-present the Best Comedy Actor award, and I can't help but have a sinking feeling her upcoming show (The Mindy Project) is going to bomb like the Enola Gay.

BEST ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES is...Jon Cryer? I picked Jim Parsons, but really, it was America who lost last night, because Two and a Half Men is reason enough for hostile aliens to descend from the cold reaches of space and obliterate mankind.

Stephen Colbert introduced BEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES, and...wait, Nurse Jackie is a comedy? Anyway, it's Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. I picked Deschanel. JLD has a cute speech swap with Poehler, which just provided us with more ogling opportunities.

I skipped the reality categories, because I put up with that shit enough on Reality Bites. But I will say this: Seth MacFarlane is officially in my cool book for giving a shout out to Cheaters' Joey Greco.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES went to Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul. SPOILER WARNING: This would be BrBa's only win on the night. Anyway, I was pulling for Game of Thrones' Peter Dinklage, but I can't be mad at Jesse...yeah, bitch!

As an aside, the whole "Tracy Morgan passed out on stage" thing would've been even funnier if...no, sorry. Nothing would've made that funny. Kimmel should've had Ben Stein do a walk-on.

I also fast forwarded past Best Writing in a Drama Series (Homeland) -- as well as those guest actor/actress awards -- and jumped to BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES, which when to Downton Abbey's Dame Maggie Smith. I suspect most people voted for her out of sheer terror.

Damian Lewis wins BEST ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES, because the ginger conspiracy has officially taken over Hollywood. And then Claire Danes won BEST ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES because yeah, Homeland really is that good, apparently.

More stuff. Variety, mostly. Ricky Gervais comes up to give a couple of them, including the Daily Show Award, as the OUTSTANDING VARIETY SERIES Emmy will now be called.

Jessica Lange was admirably un-stoned for her SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE win. too bad, maybe her speech would've been shorter. Tom Berenger wins for "Who the Hell Is That Guy?" (aka SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE) from Hatfields and McCoys.

"In Memoriam" was next. Not a lot of applause for the TMZ producer guy. Go figure.

Game Change won Miniseries Writing (funny how Lucy Liu was presenting an award for a category the BBC's Sherlock was in). Julianne Moore wins OUTSTANDING LEAD BANANA IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE (also for GC). The Dude is no doubt pleased. Game Change also won Best Directing and BEST MINISERIES OR TV MOVIE, which won't provide any fuel for critics of liberal Hollywood AT ALL.

Oh, and Kevin Costner won LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE. After watching that rambling dissertation, I think we know who stole Lange's weed.

Also, how the hell is American Horror Story a miniseries?

I officially gave up on my predictions when Homeland won BEST DRAMA SERIES. I started again when Modern Family won BEST COMEDY SERIES. And as a Houston resident, I want to thank MF producer Steve Levitan for sticking the knife in about the Endeavour ending up in L.A. I'm glad Kimmel cut you off.

But this Ginger Comspiracy thing is for real: between Louis C.K., Lewis, Moore, and...the red-headed guy from Modern Family, they clearly represent a menace that must be stopped.

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