I hate to go all deja vu on you, but just like last year, the Golden Globes are taking place the same days as a Houston Texans divisional playoff game. And like last year, the Texans are going home while the Patriots and Ravens play for the AFC Championship.
So I want to welcome everyone to drown their sorrows and livers in what proves every year to be the booziest awards celebration: the Golden Globes. Once again, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association has cast its net as wide as possible in order to ensure as many people attend to afford them autograph opportunities.
Let's do this. I can only get drunker.
---------- 10:00 - Say what you want about the Globes, they wrap up on time. Big winners were Argo, Les Misérables, and -- once again -- Homeland. Fey and Poehler were great. Are we seeing the Golden Globes overtaking the Oscars in prominence? Of course not. Still, thanks to the dozen or so of you who tagged along.
9:58 - Argo fuck yourself, AMPAS.
9:57 - Julia Roberts?!? Has she been in anything worth a shit in the last decade?
9:52 - As with Meryl Streep last year, YOU DON'T PLAY OFF DDL, YOU ASSHOLES. Nice shout-out to Kushner as well.
9:50 - And Clooney subs for Meryl Streep in presenting the Daniel Day-Lewis award.
9:47 - Finally, some Clooney. And he presents Jessica Chastain with the award for Best Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama. Sorry Helen Mirren, you're still my boo, but Chastain was fantastic.
9:42 Why is Clint Howard accepting for Les Miz? And where is Russell Crowe? Plotting revenge against Sacha Baron Cohen? He could probably just print out box office returns for The Dictator.
9:40 - Is there any way Les Misérables doesn't win Best Comedy of Musical? Of course there isn't.
9:39 - Nice of Jeremy Renner to be one of the only dudes to rock non-70s hair. Too bad about the 'stache, though.
9:37 - Aaand my mom's first FB status update in over a week is Hugh Jackman-related. Circle = complete.
9:32 - Hugh Jackman wins Best Actor - Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy. Handsome, talented, loves his wife. What an asshole.
9:30 - Christ, I did not like Silver Linings Playbook. And I'm even more annoyed that Helen Hunt, who was fantastic in The Sessions, has to sit behind their table.
9:24 - Oh, did you have an awkward childhood, Lena Dunham?
9:22 - Oh good, Jay Leno is still getting mileage out of being an asshole to Conan O'Brien. Anyway, Girls wins Best Comedy Series
9:20 - Bill Murray approves of Josh Brolin's clip intro. Go have a drink, Josh.
9:17 - Hey, at least the HFPA nominated fucking Bigelow. Ben Affelck wins Best Director.
9:08 - JODIE FOSTER IS GAY? Did Mel Gibson know?
9:04 - A Jodie Foster retrospective without FOXES? BULLSHIT.
8:59 - RDJr presents the Cecil B. Demille Lifetime Blah Blah Blah to Jodie Foster. Oh, and look at Mel Gibson being all not drunk and anti-Semitic.
8:50 - Has Asiz Ansari ever been funny? Lena Dunham has. And she wins Best Actress - TV Series - Comedy of Musical. Not so much with the speech, though. And can anyone tell me what those tats on her back are? Looks like a couple bait shops.
8:49 - How did Liev Schreiber not get nominated for Goon? I guess they don't have hockey in other countries.
8:48 - ParaNorman wasn't even nominated. Bullshit.
8:46 - Cohen, you were rolling until you went off the cliff with the Hathaway comment. Serious crickets. Anyway, Best Animated Feature Film goes to Brave. Wow. Pixar won.
8:43 - Really thinking Salmon Fishing in the Yemen is going to have a late push, y'all.
8:37 - The Homeland Award for Best Actress in a Television Drama Series goes to Claire Danes. For Homeland.
8:34 - I'm willing to bet the last Foreign Language Film Sylvester Stallone saw was Devilfish, but anyway, Amour wins. What are the odds of Haneke directing Schwarzenegger in the next Funny Games?
8:32 - That last entry was a little catty. My apologies, Jeremy Irons.
8:28 - Debra Messing and Lucy Liu present the Best Actor - TV Comedy to Don Cheadle for House of Lies. They should create a new award for Best Dress That Looks Like Dining Room Drapes for Lucy Liu.
8:26 - Hey Jeremy Irons, Simon says to get rid of those goofy tails.
And add to that Quentin Tarantino, who wins over Kushner for Best Screenplay? Holy shitballs.
8:23 - Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried: guess we've got the "creepy eyes" contingent sewn up.
8:16 - Anne Hathaway wins. And gives a great shout-out to Sally Field. Seriously.
8:15 - Hey, Jonah Hill is being awkward and stuff. I guess that's to throw us off before Anne Hathaway wins for Best Supporting Actress - Motion Picture.
Ooh, it's Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television. Which means it's Mandy Patin...I mean, Ed Harris for Game Change.
Jennifer Lawrence is now the odds-on Oscar favorite after winning for Best Actress - Motion Picture Musical or Comedy. Not that you should ever bet money on things, because it's illegal.
8:05 - Tommy Lee Jones would be the Grand Champeen of Make Me Laugh for 30 years running.
8:02 - "Judi Dench, where did she come from?" Well played, Ferrell/Wiig.
7:59 - Standing O for Bill Clinton. TYPICAL LIBERAL HOLLYWOOD.
7:55 - Okay, I'm enjoying the mock nominees. However, I'm wasn't a big fan of Hatfields and McCoys. So, golf clap for Kevin Costner as Best Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture made for Television, and makes a speech like he's reading a suicide note.
"Skyfall" wins Best Song. Meh. More importantly, can somebody please set up a Tumblr of Taylor Swift bitchfaces?
Best Score goes to Mychael Danna for Life of Pi. More importantly, why is Jennifer Lopez introducing a music-related award?
7:44 - Shit, I need to add Jason Statham to the White Bald Guy list.
7:42 - You mean real CIA agents don't look like Ben Affleck? And get stage fright? Just kidding, Tony Mendez.
7:41 - Let's take a moment of silence to mourn all the gossip mag coverage lost when Brangelina decided not to attend.
Homeland wins for Best TV Series - Drama. Watch some AMC, you HFPA assholes. I mean, it's a good show, [Kanye] but Breaking Bad is one of the best TV shows of all time.[/Kanye]
7:33 - Shit, I always forget Lewis is British. Maybe he did deserve to win. Then there was that "sweltering heat in North Carolina" comment. Don't come to SE Texas in August, Englishman.
Best Actor - TV Series (Drama) is Damian Lewis for Homeland. Could this be a repeat of the series' success from 2012? Don't these HFPA pricks watch Breaking Bad?
7:31 Rosario Dawson introduces the clip for Best Exotic Marigold Hotel as well as tightness to my pants.
7:29 - Introducing the HFPA President. Drink refill time.
7:24 - Catherine Zeta-Jones really wants you to know she can pronounce Les Misérables.
Best Actress - TV Mini-Series or Movie - Julianne Moore for Game Change. Did I miss a joke? Was that Fey with the Billy Bob Teeth? In any event, Taylor Swift was not amused.
7:20 - Sarah Palin jokes. How 2008.
Best TV Movie or Mini-Series - Game Change, because it was up against four shows nobody ever heard of.
7:17 - Lily Lily Lily Lily LEGS Lily Lily Longoria.
Best Supporting Actress - TV Series, Mini-Series, or TV Movie goes to [Dame] Maggie Smith. Sadly, she's not there, so we're cheated out of any hot Dowager Countess jiggle action.
Best Supporting Actor - Motion Picture is Christoph Waltz. He's also winning most halting acceptance speech.
strong>7:09 - Lot of cleavage tonight. Especially among actresses without much cleavage. *cough* Kate Hudson *cough*
7:07 - How cute that Daniel Day-Lewis doesn't even know how to do the "E.T. finger." HE'S AN ARTIST, PEOPLE.
7:03 - Poehler just tanked her chances of appearing in Avatar 2.
7:02 - The trend of comedic actresses exposing lots of boob continues with: Amy Poehler, Kristen Wiig, and Lena Dunham. Me gusta.
6:59 - Is it just me, or is everyone else giving Al Roker a little distance in the wake of that "sharting at the White House" story?
6:53 - Asking Jay Leno to give comedy tips is like asking Leatherface how to prepare fugu.
Sofia Vergara already won Best Cleavage.
Bold Prediction 2: The George Clooney Award For Most Sucked-Up To Celebrity: Hugh Jackman.
Bold Prediction 1: Best Motion Picture, Drama - Argo - the HFPA goes feel-good more often than not. Though maybe they'll stick a dagger in the Oscars by giving it to Zero Dark Thirty.
6:47 - All respect to Matt Lauer for joining Bruce Willis as one of the few unabashed bald white guys in Hollywood.
6:45 Who is the d-bag swilling Moet behind Helen Mirren? I hope they're working up the nerve to hit on her.
6:44 - Oh thank god, Hugh Jackman. My mother's night is made.
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