I am very proud of the fact that some of my most-read articles here on Art Attack have to do with my endless fascination with Doctor Who, and all the frustrated fanboyishness that I channel into prose as the series returns on March 30 and the 50th Anniversary gets that much closer. For the most part, I love my job and the whole Who fan community.

But sometimes you guys send me the most bizarre things in fan mail... like for instance links to Doctor Who sex toys. Then I foolishly mention this to an editor. Then she makes me find more so I can have an article about it. Then I drink. A lot. Well, if it has to be shoved into my head I'm going to shove it right into yours, so strap in because it's anywhere in perverted time, anywhere in perverted space. Where do you want to start?

Kristen over at the Toymaker Project is the mind behind the TARDIS Tickler, a silicon dildo featuring a tiny TARDIS suspended in the middle. The shimmery outer layer is meant to represent the time vortex that the TARDIS flies through, which actually makes this a pretty interesting artistic statement.

As an actual sex toy, the Tickler leaves something to be desired. The TARDIS inside is a painted pewter model of a police box, and its sharp edges apparently do a number on the silicon sheath that would certainly not benefit any from regular use. The last thing you want to do is end up in a hospital trying to explain why a tiny time machine is lodged in one of your orifices.

Kristen isn't selling these, but the instructions for making one appear fairly simple, and she is planning on publishing a detailed how-to guide one of these days. It can't be any harder than creating your own Doctor Who version of the Guess Who game.

Now this next bit is going to sound utterly inconceivable to anyone who has spent any amount of time on the Internet, but there's not really any such thing as a Sonic Screwdriver vibrator. I know, I was absolutely shocked as well. There's a chess set that doubles as a masturbation aid, and an official Hello Kitty "shoulder massager", but the most obvious joke in the geek universe apparently does not exist.

One horny fan wasn't going to put up with this absence of the Time Lords tool to flick her bean with. She contacted Geek Kink on Etsy (We'll get to them in a minute) about maybe crafting her one since nerdtastic things for your genitals are their raison d'être. They thoughtfully took a regular Tenth Doctor Sonic Screwdriver toy, inserted a vibrator into it, and suddenly it can open the locked door to your screaming, David Tennant-inspired orgasm.