Forget the endless debate about whether it's "I couldn't care less" or "I could care less." The bottom line is that you've been wronged yet, due to some ridiculous societal expectations, you've still got to offer up a gift this holiday season. Sure, one could go with the clichéd fruitcake or necktie, but some folks actually like those perennial offerings, so we dug a little deeper to find this year's crop of un-gifts that really, truly say "I don't care."
For the boss who overlooked you for the promotion, stiffed you when it came time to hand out bonuses or gave you that scathing performance review, let him know he's No. 1 in your book with this patriotic sweatshirt. Plus, your purchase helps support the dwindling workforce in Atlanta, a city still struggling from multiple sweeps of undocumented workers.
For the sibling who's been sidling up to Mom and getting first dibs on the good china, antique chairs and Grandpa's WWII coin collection, we suggest resorting to childish humor. Farts are always in style, and these handy pills perfume flatulence so it comes out smelling like a rose. The French word for fart is pet, and France-based purveyor Pilulepet.com recommends taking two to six capsules per day at meal times, "depending on one's condition." It's a gift that says "you stink" while letting Mom believe you're a loving, caring member of the family.
You've said, "Oh, you shouldn't have" for ten years in a row. Yet these friends or relatives keep including you on their annual gift list and reciprocity is getting old. Nip this one in the bud for under five bucks, and make your own handmade card that says "We need 'smore great (fill in the blank) like you" or "you're the apple of my eye." Problem solved.
Knitting has actually experienced a resurgence of late, especially among the hipster set, so if you've got the leftover yarn and the time and inclination then this toilet paper cozy qualifies as the most useless gift ever. So if you've got a useless loved one in your life, knit this puppy up and offer them this thoughtful and personalized gift. The knitting pattern for the "Toilet Paper Toilet Paper Cozy" can be found on Knitty.com.
For the ex who left you for a younger model, insecurity can be your friend. Send this thoughtful, As Seen on TV, Simply Fit exercise board and let his/her inner head thoughts do the rest.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to the mission of the Houston Press. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Houston’s stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
And YouTuber Mariah Motionless took it a step further and came up with these Christmas gift ideas for people you actually hate. Suggestions include a Nickelback CD (ouch), a jar filled with 100 pennies, mailing a glitter bomb, political tomes, turtleneck shirts or a bag of edible crickets. She even suggests a possessed doll, though you may have to visit some creepy guy's basement to find one.
So make your list, check it twice, and get shopping because it's time to make Krampus great again.