Today, in the wake of producer Brett Ratner stepping down from helming the 2012 Academy Awards telecast, host Eddie Murphy also exited the production, leaving two gaping holes in the February 26, 2012 event. As of this writing, no substitutes have been named.
Ratner made a remark last week that rehearsing was for "fags" in regards to the filming of his latest picture, the Eddie Murphy vehicle Tower Heist. This obviously created a media firestorm and Ratner soon departed the Oscars camp.
Of course this is close to a disaster for a television and Internet event which generates millions of dollars in ad revenue, not to mention the controversy tarnishes the usually vanilla festivities.
Now that Ratner and Murphy are both out, who should step in to fill Murphy's shoes? More than likely it will be an old Hollywood hand or a team of young funny people, like Jason Segel and Neil Patrick Harris, but that's just us thinking out loud. Here's ten people and pairs that should take over for Murphy, if there was any justice or humor in the world.
The Oscar powers that be attempt to court the hardcore, bat-shit religious viewers -- who could be a lucrative demographic -- by hiring the new leader of the Westboro Baptist Church dynasty. Between wearing Vera Wang dresses, introducing presenters, chuckling at pop-culture jokes and damning the gays in the crowd to the fires of hell, Shirley will warm the hearts of the world. Maybe under all that hate there's just a mom trying to do the right thing.
No, no, this isn't for a career renaissance, it's a straight-up punishment, handed down by the state of California. Imagine being surrounded by people that hate you for four hours, while they make jokes about your constant skirting of the laws of man, or watching Emma Stone win an award for a movie that would have been yours had you not blown the dude from That '70s Show and got into cocaine. She'll be running back to the morgue by the time the musical numbers begin.
Steve Martin & Albert Brooks
They already rant back and forth to one another on Twitter, so why not just have this be the first all-Twitter awards show. It will save time and money on dresses and jewelry, and other hideous consumption.
The Occupy Wall Street Troupe
Nothing would be finer than a few hundred protesters camped out in the awards stage having a general assembly, randomly screaming slogans at rich actors. Hey, isn't that Susan Sarandon in there??
Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries
Let them work out the kinks in their sham relationship, marriage and divorce, live onstage in front of millions of people while they help award people who are light-years more talented than they are.
"Thank you to the Academy, my agent, Jim Broadbent, my wonderful family and especially Based God! Thank you Based God for helping me win this award," says Meryl Streep accepting her Best Actress trophy for the Margaret Thatcher biopic The Iron Lady.
And she would be royally pissed if her favorites didn't win and accuse them of drowning their toddlers in bleach-filled bathtubs. Plus, we may get the first Oscar telecast nipple-sighting ever.
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He could just mill about in a windbreaker with a can of beer and playing on his cell phone, and mumble in the microphone after commercial breaks, and we would be glued for hours.
President Barack Obama Just kill two birds with one stone, turning what's usually just a fun Hollywood wankfest into a fun Hollywood wankfest Democratic fundraiser. Hell, just push a wheelbarrow around during the show so the assembled stars can throw in some cash. You just know that Obama would have some killer Kardashian jokes, too.
Out of all the ones I have listed, this is the most plausible, and the talk-show host is already in the E! machinery, so it's just a hop and a skip. Though the 2012 Oscars may be the first one to feature the female c-word and a gold, naked Mexican midget.