I've noticed lately that there has been an awful lot of hubub over Kate Middleton's hair. Apparently, the young royal has developed a few gray hairs on top of her soon-to-be-crowned head and the British tabloids -- like the New York Post, only sleazy -- are freaked the hell out speculating what this might mean for her head, for her family, for the monarchy. It has even hopped across the pond to American tabloids as if anyone would care, but nevertheless, the raging discussion continues. Is she prematurely gray? Has pregnancy taken its toll? Is she just too busy dusting off the crowned jewels (not a euphemism) to take care of her royal updo? No one knows.
As a man, I have long been fascinated by the obsession over the flowing locks of celebrities. I'm not sure if Jennifer Aniston was more tortured for her lack of making a baby or for her ever-changing hairdo. After all, the "Rachel" was actually a thing, God help us.
But, I am here to tell you, men's hair should, by far, be a greater cause of consternation to fashionistas if they were really paying attention. We, after all, once believed Grecian Formula was a good option for hair dye. Here are some other examples.
5. The Hair Helmet
When hairspray and hair gel go awry, the result is often a coif of hair that would not move if hurricane-force winds were blowing in this manly man's face. It's conservative, often gray and it never moves. Add some shellac and it could double as a football helmet. No one is running his or her fingers through this rat's nest.
4. The Mullet
Long the fashion statement of rednecks (and the occasional masculine female), the joke of the mullet is that the 'do is business in the front and party in the back. More accurately, it's sad in the front and tragic in the back. I know. I had one when I was in high school. It looks good on no one. The only thing worse is the Brony-Tail, but I'm not even going to dignify that with a mention.
3. The Fauxhawk
When you want to get the attention of the ladies, take that thinning hair and gel it up into a fake mohawk right in the middle of that trendy little head of yours. It says that you are sort of a bad boy, which is like being sort of bald. When you want to make a statement with hair in this way, either go the whole way and dye that sucker blue, or do like Eddie Murphy said in Coming to America and just "make it neat."
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2. The Toupee
How is it that women get extensions made from the hairs of young virgins in central Asia (that's what I assume) and men get some weird rug-like offering that only serves to remind everyone just how bald you actually are. Sure, you could get plugs or coat your hair in Rogaine, but if you are going bald, this may be the only way to completely destroy your dignity.
1. The Comb-over
Nothing, and I mean nothing, is as disturbing and unfortunate as the comb-over. It tells everyone who sees it that you think you can fool them into believing you aren't as bald as an eagle. In reality, you just look like a middle school chemistry teacher from 1975 or a pedophile from any era. Just stop.