So, I've heard tell of these things called vacations where you, like, don't work. It's just a rumor I'm trying to track down before the editor comes in for my afternoon tazing, but it sounds really cool. The one that really intrigues me the most are cruises. That sounds awesome, you just get into a big floating hotel and leave behind the world for a while.
And apparently you can do this with a theme!
I investigated this last year upon discovering that there was a Kate Gosselin Cruise experience, which sounds sort of like the kind of thing the government would use to get information out of terrorists. Luckily for the self-esteem of the country the cruise failed to get out of dock since a whopping 12 people signed up for it. Well done, America!
So since Kate on the Sea is out, what other cruises are available for those of you who get vacations? Well...
The Amish Outlaws Fan Cruise 2014: I spent an hour on the Amish Outlaws website and I still have no earthly idea if they're joking on not. Apparently they are a cover band made up of six guys that left the Amish community for the traditional "Amish Gone Wild" romp that they all do when they turn 16, but they never returned to their home. They all met at the 2002 Pocono Vacation Park "Rock and Roll Hootenanny" and now travel the world doing everything from Snoop Dogg to Johnny Cash with their Lancaster, PA-style.
Fans who get in on the cruise will enjoy meet and greets, three exclusive concerts complete with an open bar, and the right to tell everyone they went on an Amish Outlaw cruise instead of something stupid like hitting the ocean with Kid Rock. At least the Outlaws won't try to sell you Kentucky bourbon by saying "Welcome to Texas." Seriously, that billboard on 610 is like the wrongest thing on the freeway.
Ports of Apparitions Cruise: Now, the term "ghost ship" makes me tingle because I thought that flick was the best horror movie of 2002. No, I don't care if you did or not because having one f means never having to listen to doo doo heads. Unfortunately, this cruise lacks a haunted crew and Francesca Rettondini naked, but it will spend seven days in the Caribbean stopping at supposedly haunted sites and ancient ruins. There will also be stops in New Orleans and Mexico, which the cruise somewhat racistly refers to as a culture with a history of violence so gruesome that blood stained specters must hang around. Nothing screams fun like the screams of the damned echoing across the waves!Flashback Ten Cruises We'd Rather Take Than the KISS Kruise
Duck Commander Cruise: My dad watches Duck Dynasty, but then again so does every person's dad who has kids old enough to make snide remarks about it on the internet. Nonetheless, the show has become this huge cultural phenomenon, though I would remind the Robertsons of the fall of the Gosselin Dynasty I mentioned in the opening. Oh well, at least the Robertsons actually make something other than guaranteed work for family therapists.
As far as I can tell, the cruise is basically a chance to bug the stars non-stop for four days while they're trapped on a boat, though there will also be a cooking class by Miss Kay. I'm not sure what the appeal of meeting reality TV stars is exactly. Isn't seeing how they go about regular life the whole point of the show? There will also be music provided by American Idol winner Scott McCreery, who is now the second musical act I have mentioned in this article who I would pass over for an Amish band doing Lady Gaga covers.
The Premium Barbie Experience: I have a love/hate relationship with Barbie. My daughter has 13 different animated adventures, everything ranging from Barbie as a fairy to Barbie as Rapunzel to Barbie as Barbie taking care of her annoying little sisters. For DVDs I pick up for $5 there is worse my daughter could watch.
This Barbie cruise though... for $350 you can let your daughter sleep in a pink princess room, attend teas parties, participate in a fashion show, have Barbie movie nights, Barbie story time, take dance classes, and meet a woman who I'm sure is very nice and looks vaguely like Barbie.
Here's why I think this is a little insane; Who spends $350 on an all immersive plastic experience for a girl age 4 - 11? This isn't space camp. It's not even camp camp where you at least learn what berries will give you the trots. It's basically you dropping a month's groceries for your kid to live inside a commercial and pretending to be Lindsay Lohan right before her person Herbie went off the pier. The Barbie movies are already a parade of the firstiest of first world problems, and I'm not sure if a week of treating your kid like a doll they play with is a terribly healthy idea.
Jeff Dunham's Just Add Water: Comedian ventriloquist Jeff Dunham convinced me once that I had developed the ability to travel back in time. I remember watching him perform on TV in high school, thenhe just disappeared. Ten years later I was flipping through the channels before bed and there he was performing the exact same jokes and looking the same. I was certain that I was going to wake up next to a chubby blond with daddy issues instead of my wife, and wondering if there were still tickets left for Goldberg vs. Bam Bam Bigelow on WWF Raw.
Nope, he's managed to make a comeback, mostly through a ridiculously racist set of new puppets and tapping into a healthy does of Islamaphobia on top of that. You can even spend a week at sea with him.
Or maybe not. Looks like the cruise has been indefinitely postponed due to it "not aligning with his fans vacation plans" according to the website. It's actually really sad, as the tone on the site basically says that everyone on Dunham's email list responded with a variant on, "Yeah, I'd go, but I've got that thing at the place and you know how the economy is under Obama." I mean, it would be sad if it didn't mean that people realized that going on a Jeff Dunham cruise was the human soul's equivalent of your dad leaving with a bag of puppies and coming back with neither.