Yesterday was the 59th birthday of legendary pornographic actor Ron Jeremy, affectionately known as the Hedgehog. Jeremy started out a special education teacher (Indeed, he has a master's degree in the field), but he wanted to get into acting. He found little success on Broadway, but began making money in the adult entertainment field after a girlfriend submitted his photo to Playgirl in 1978. Since then, he has gone on to hold the world record for most appearances in adult films, and has even made the successful leap to mainstream entertainment with films like Boondock Saints, Detroit Rock City and even as a villain in a children's show.
Wait, Sasha Grey reads to a kindergarten class and the sum total of everyone's shit is lost, but Ron Jeremy does a kids' show and no one says boo? We need to have a talk, America. We're afraid you're going to hurt someone. We're afraid you're going to hurt yourself.
Believe it or not, Ron Jeremy has also made minor contributions to the world of video games. Here are our top five favorite appearances of video game Ron Jeremy.
Celebrity Deathmatch was a show on MTV where claymation parodies of famous people would kill each other on live TV. It was highly popular until we all woke up one day and realized that we'd apparently been huffing glue over the last year. Still, it did spawn a PS2 game version, and Ron Jeremy was in it. The gameplay was a terrible ripoff of WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game that just didn't really cut it when it came down to fun. The whole thing was as awkward as having your mom catch you enjoying Ron Jeremy's main body of work. Speaking of which...
We seriously wouldn't recommend playing that clip up there if you're at work.
Adult video games aren't anything new. Hell, they've been around at least since the Atari days. Bonetown ups the ante by basically turning Grand Theft Auto into Grand Theft Anal. See what we did there? Wasn't it clever how we changed "Auto" into a word meaning butt sex? No? It was kind of juvenile and stupid? Of course it was, it's a goddamned full-length porno adventure game. What did you expect? They send you on a side quest to recover a crack whore's crack rock with the promise of a gummer if you succeed. It opens with a frat boy pissing on your face while you're asleep. This is hopefully just what you were expecting. Ron Jeremy has a big role in it. A huge role that you'll have to explore in great depth... Okay, okay, fine. We're done now. Sheesh.
Remember when the USA network would show a film with a title like Beach Babes from Beyond, but take a chainsaw to it in order to hack out everything that you couldn't show on a non-premium channel leaving a barely coherent plot and no boobs? Leisure Suit Larry is basically the video game version of those movies. Ron Jeremy shows up in this one as a helpful porn fairy.
Postal III continues the series' proud history of trying to offend everyone on the planet. Ron Jeremy appears twice in the game. He is mayor of the town of Catharsis, and joining forces with him is part of the evil path. You can also find Jeremy playing himself in a porno store where you are given an industrial strength vacuum cleaner to mop up all the spilled semen. You have the option of shooting this back at people. We're starting to realize that Jeremy's degree in special education is probably being put to good use while working with the video game industry.
If you thought that the 1993 film version of Super Mario Bros starring Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo and Dennis Hopper was the worst thing that ever happened to a beloved video game franchise, then you are wrong. Ron Jeremy donned Mario's iconic outfit in this parody of what was pretty much already a parody anyway. Some helpful soul on YouTube took the recap from the beginning of the -- hold onto your butts -- sequel and edited out all the naughty bits so they could post it.
Think about that for a second. Number one, someone made Super Hornio Bros. and thought that there was more to say on the subject. Then, they said, "But what if they didn't see the first one? Won't they be completely lost? I'd better sum it up to avoid confusion." Finally, someone found that recap, and painstakingly edited it for consumption by the general public. Remember what we said about the kids' shows back at the beginning? We think America might need to talk to a therapist.