Welcome to the 84th Academy Awards...the live blog. No red carpet or golden statues here. Just a guy (me), his girlfriend and her gay friends in an apartment watching it all go down. The fashion, the films, the speeches, the HUMANITY! We've got it all.
The blog will load throughout the night and updates will be posted on my Twitter feed as well. Watch out, Oscar, here we come...after the jump.
6:00 -- This just in, Rooney Mara looks hot.
6:04 -- Octavia Spencer from Bad Santa talking to Robin Roberts. Wait...
6:06 -- I can't believe Jonah Hill is up for an award. All I can think of all his one liners in Super Bad. Vag-tastic Voyage FTW!
6:07 -- Borat has arrived. NICE! So far, I've seen Borat, a nun and Maya Rudolph. The night is underway.
6:11 -- Roberts dropping some football on Rooney Mara. She seems entirely uninterested.
6:13 -- Jessica Chastain wearing a McQueen dress. She's very ginger.
6:16 -- Mila Jovavich should have gotten an award for best use of band aids in clothing for her outfit in The Fifth Element.
6:20 -- OH: "The original Prince Albert in a can." Prince of Monaco with the CEO of Disney on the red carpet.
6:22 -- "It's fuschia and it's got a bow." Gotta love Emma Stone.
6:29 -- Damn, Viola Davis. She and her husband look amazing.
6:31 -- And Michelle Williams as Tinker Bell...from the neck up anyway.
6:32 -- Talking to the moms of nominees is just awesome. Really cool.
6:34 -- How old is Clooney's mom? Was she 10 when he was born?
6:39 -- Bridesmaids is an odd nominee. Wedding Crashers was a lot funnier.
6:41 -- A chorus of "Don't fear the peplum" just broke out in the apartment after Tina Fey's dress.
6:43 -- Manny from Modern Family cracking Woody Allen jokes. Weird. Nice The Help poop joke though.
6:45 -- Anytime a French actor walks on screen, I think they should release a single red balloon before they leave...every time.
6:47 -- Nina Garcia's staccato voice makes me...want to...type...funny...you know?
FYI, Richard Dreyfuss is snark-tweeting the Academy Awards. Follow him immediately. Crossing fingers for a Jaws reference.
6:53 -- Nick Nolte as drunk Anthony Hopkins in I Was Drunk on the Red Carpet.
6:57 -- Still trying to recover from that Nolte interview.
7:02 -- Tim Gunn drinking game: take a shot every time he says "breathtaking."
7:03 -- Bradley Cooper looks like Tom Selleck. Ladies...mustache rides?
7:05 -- Glen Close's attraction is less than fatal these days.
7:11 -- The red carpet TV sound isn't synced up. It's like watching a kung fu movie.
7:15 -- Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt reminding us we're all ugly.
7:21 -- Natalie Portman said she's glad Billy Crystal is hosting because "you know he's not going to be mean." Yeah, and unfunny!
7:26 -- Chris Rock: "I'm wearing FUBU."
7:29 -- Was just told two of our friends have made their Oscar predictions earlier and placed them in sealed envelopes.
7:31 -- Billy Crystal open.
7:35 -- Clooney kiss. Justin Bieber. Tom Cruise Mission Impossible joke. Crazy Disney CGI amusement park crap. Just so not funny.
7:37 -- When Crystal said, "Chapter 11 Theater," one of our friends said, "That's a bankruptcy joke, y'all."
7:39 -- Crystal makes reruns of Bonanza seem cutting edge.
7:42 -- Tom Hanks giving a nod to the seat filler. It's like Kramer at the Tony's.
7:44 -- Hugo wins for cinematography. Michael McDonald from the Doobie Brothers accepting.
7:46 -- And Hugo is two for two winning for art direction too.
7:51 -- Yet another Hollywood tribute to Hollywood. It's like that Simpsons episode where the halftime show was a tribute to halftime shows. So meta.
7:53 -- The first threesome joke of the night. I'm pretty sure J Lo showed some nipple.
7:55 -- The Artist picks up its first award for costume design.
7:57 -- "There's two of them now" -- one of our guests referring to J Lo's aureolas.
7:58 -- "Take a chance girl is the new catch phrase!"
7:58 -- Iron Lady wins for make-up making Meryl Streep look like a queen.
8:06 -- Foreign language presentation gave us a nice geography lesson on a CNN style map. I feel so educated.
8:07 -- A Separation wins the foreign language film category.
8:12 -- Supporting actress goes to Octavia Spencer for The Help. Should be a fun speech.
8:14 -- Really sweet and touching speech. Love her thanking the academy for the presenter being Christian Bale.
8:19 -- Cast of Christopher Guest films doing a really funny old "focus group." Fred Willard loving on flying monkeys is classic.
8:23 -- Girl With the Dragon Tattoo takes home its first award for film editing. Same team won for The Social Network last year.
8:25 -- Great "let's get out of here" moment by the film editing guys.
8:26 -- Hugo wins number three for sound editing. I thought Drive should have won that one. It felt like you were in the damn car with Ryan Reynolds.
8:28 -- And Hugo again with sound mixing. Are we seeing an early trend?
8:32 -- Even the commercials are Hollywood themed. ABC is doing a whole night of Hollywood themed episodes of sitcoms. It's becoming overkill...quickly.
8:34 -- Oh, Muppets, I can't quit you.
8:40 -- The Cirque du Soliel tribute was impressive. As my guest said, "Gay approved." Also, better than the Madonna halftime show.
8:41 -- Robert Downey Jr. spoofing Juaquin Phoenix is kinda funny. Gweneth did a good job acting pissed.
8:43 -- Undefeated wins for documentary feature.
8:44 -- Documentary winners got us our first curse word bleep and cut off mic of the night. And on cue, here's Chris Rock.
8:46 -- I wish Chris Rock was hosting.
8:46 -- Rango wins for best animated feature. Johnny Depp as a lizard seems realistic somehow.
8:52 -- Billy Crystal's best joke had the chick from Bridesmaids and only she could save him.
8:54 -- Jesus, Emma Stone is adorable. They should let young comedians do basically everything on these shows. Jonah Hill in the audience was hilarious.
8:56 -- Visual effects Oscar goes to Hugo, its fifth of the night.
9:01 -- Melissa Leo presented the best supporting actor award wearing a plastic cheetah. Christopher Plummer wins for Beginners. His first oscar makes him the oldest person ever to win his first award.
9:02 -- Plummer is such a class act, also, damn funny.
9:09 -- The Crystal reading minds segment was the funniest bit of the night. Still, not that funny.
9:12 -- So glad they aren't doing live performances of original songs any more. There's only so many times you can watch Randy Newman sing.
9:14 -- The Artist wins for best original score. One of my guests said, "Where are the English subtitles for this guy?"
9:17 -- Only two songs in the best original song category and the guy from Flight of the Conchords won for The Muppets.
9:24 -- Tattoo jokes. Funny. Angelina standing with her leg out of the slit in her dress. Hot. Too bad her face looks like there is no skin on it.
9:27 -- The Descendants take home the award for best adapted screenplay. They apparently got their start with the Groundlings.
9:30 -- Woody Allen gets yet another award for best screenplay. This one for Midnight in Paris. As usual, Allen is in New York giving a big middle finger to Hollywood.
9:34 -- Just realized Dean Pelton from Community was among the writers who won best adapted screenplay. Thought he looked familiar.
9:39 -- Bridesmaids cast take home award for best penis reference in their presentation of live action short film award, won by The Shore.
9:41 -- The cast of Bridesmaids should host next year.
9:42 -- Saving Face wins best documentary short. Moving and powerful subject matter.
9:44 -- Best animated short goes to The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore...also win for longest title for a short film.
9:50 -- Michael Douglas looks more and more like his dad every day.
9:51 -- Best director goes to Michel Hazanavicius for The Artist, a bit of a surprise winner over Martin Scorsese.
9:56 -- Dick Smith, James Earl Jones and Oprah getting tributes. A make up artist, Darth Vader and...well, Oprah. I'm afraid to call her anything else.
9:58 -- On of our guests wondered out loud if Sasha Baron Cohen was allowed into the awards. Hmmm...
10:03 -- Esmerelda Spalding with a lovely vocal for "Wonderful World" during the en memoriam segment. A little card to read some of the names though.
10:13 -- Gary Oldman is an actor's actor.
10:17 -- Best actor, as expected, goes to Jean Dujardin for The Artist. "I love your country."
10:26 -- The actresses in this category are an interesting lot.
10:29 -- Meryl Streep with the win for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher. Surprising win over Viola Davis.
10:31 -- Streep is either extremely genuine or a great actress....oh, wait, it's both.
10:34 -- Next year, there will be a maximum number of 50 nominees for best picture.
10:35 -- Best Picture: The Artist
10:37 -- After these Oscars and the French winners, they should sign off by releasing a single red balloon and the word "FIN" should come up on the screen.
And, with that, I'd like to thank everyone for reading. FIN!