Yesterday the world awoke to wish Justin Bieber a happiest of 18th birthdays. Born March 1, 1994 -- a little over a month before Kurt Cobain died, quashing any reincarnation fantasies -- the young man celebrated in high style on the Interwebs, announcing a new song and receiving a $100K Fisker Karma car from his friend/mentor Usher and manager Scooter Braun.
Most kids receive a notice to register for the draft and a free Mach 3 razor in the mail when they turn 18. Way back in 2001, I remember excitedly going to buy cigarettes and pornography just mere hours into my own 18th year. Something tells me the Beebs can just send someone out for that stuff: "Pop Star Beebs Seen Picking Out Pack Of Camel Lights And Thumbing Through Hustler"
Plus, this is 2012 and you can look at free porn on your phone anywhere at anytime.
Yes, the world's most beloved and hated pop-star is now of legal age, to which perverted "cougars" didn't forget. Hey, you guys weren't cool with us doing a Miley Cyrus countdown back in 2010, why is it fine now? His fanbase seemed to take it in stride, refusing to admit that he will probably go through a mass image change, complete with tattoos and God knows what else. Maybe extreme weight gain and a baby with Selena Gomez?
But on social media, the party raged on all day, as lovers and detractors of the Beebs took to Twitter and his Facebook fan page to express their almost crippling allegiance to him -- for now -- on his momentous day.
From just an hour spent searching, I picked out some of the best. One of his updates on Facebook had almost 20,000 birthday comments, some even in Japanese. And a few dudes who showed up begged the pop idol to kill himself, naturally.
When I say that some of these kids have their own language, believe me it's true. Somehow this "cute, sexy full grown man" can also be the "most disgraceful human being in existence".
The names have been removed from these comments to protect the future job and romantic prospects of those who made them.
- Please kill yourself you woman
- Oh so it's Justin Bieber's birthday.. happy birthday to him. Fuck all you Belieber dick riders though
- Ohh my gosh i am yur biggestt fan i criend whaen i saw ur pic because u r so cute my birthday is the day after yurs i will dxeffenetly be counting becuz u r my boyfriend
- All these fans have ja thankfully I am no longer seem silly and I saw those comments happy birthday I said I do not like you but I always like to congratulate
- Just because it's Justin Bieber's 18th birthday doesn't mean it's not creepy when you act excited and call him legal. He looks 12.
- I've got a great birthday present for Justin Bieber; It's a one-way ticket to Switzerland.
- why oh why oh why are people making birthday cakes for justin bieber and uploading them to facebook omg.
- Today is Justin Bieber's 18th Birthday. I guess that means he's no longer just a baby, baby, baby, oooooh.
- Do more people know it's Justin Bieber's birthday than it's the 1st day of Women's History Month? This worries me.
- National Pig Day AND Justin Bieber's birthday? Why is our office even open??
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And some more:
- My teacher asked the class: "What is it today?"and a boy shouted "Its Justin Bieber's birthday." Me enjoying this class right now lol
- Happy 18th Birthday to both Justin Bieber and Shahid Afridi. May Allah bless you both with shampoo endorsements and unfathomable devotion.
- I don't understand why the teachers at school don't let Beliebers have the day off because it's Justin Bieber's birthday today?
- Yes ok it's Justin Bieber's birthday but it's also Self-Harm Awareness Day so please show respect for that too
- Mom: Why are you getting ready? Where are you going? Me: ......Justin bieber's birthday party! C;
- Happy birthday to the two most important men in my life - my dad and Justin Bieber
- I Swear These Females Act Like Justin Bieber Is God ! Calm Down It's Not Christmas It's Just His Birthday
- HB!!! I'm not a fan but i don't hate you!!
- Happy birthday I'm not a fan but still happy birthday
- i wish my bby justin bieber was hereeee , i wouldd showw him a good timee fer his birthday (;
- You are by far the most disgraceful human being in existence. I loathe you.
- Happy birthday!!! And hey you change the way i listen to music so thanks for making mysic better justin bieber
- Happy birthday Justin it was like yesterday you were a sweet 15 year old now your a full grown man and that's a sweet, cute, smexy frown man right there I wish all your wishes came true and I really hope to meet u someday I want you to be happy so party hard and live long ;) ♥ :) happy birthday # never say never