Stevie Ryan has finally shown Gothtopia the way. We had no idea we could use our darksome image to impose our will on the populace at large. Our proof? Her music video for "Goth Blocked."
It's nice to know that the goth community has this kind of power, but like any new tyrannical regime, we we're worried exactly what would be the best use of our iron fist. Such a question required the input of the Gothic Council, which we summoned by pulling them from a tiny top hat.
Joining the Council this week is Punky Moms founder Sarah Fanning; webmistress of Morticia's Morgue, Becky Plexco; Desiree Starke, blogger and hearse enthusiast, and for the first time we gladly welcome the feudal lord of all Houston gothic society, The Count of Montrose.
Sarah Fanning: At the moment, I'd like to goth-block House Speaker John Boehner. You have a lunatic agenda; you wanted to close the government.... Goth block! Seriously, as a federal contractor I hated not knowing if I would have income this week.
The Count of Montrose: My question is, "Is it too late or gauche to state that Charlie Sheen should have been goth-blocked?" Imagine, if you will, during one of his public tantrums that a pale figure adorned with a tiny hat beset him and nixed his trembling vapors with barbed and sarcastic speech... perhaps saving the Two and a Half Men TV program and a set of really terrible Internet memes. Alas. I fear it is too late for the former star of Hot Shots.
If I were forced to choose another prominent figure in our culture that would merit such a dark chastising, it would be Donald Trump. Setting him alight with the fury of a million tiny hats would be the Dark Lord's work for all the stupid things he continues to say that are really attempts to keep the ratings for his boring show up.
We should goth-block that [unpleasant person] Catherine Hardwicke for continuing the neutering of nightmarish creatures such as myself in popular culture with her newest film Red Riding Hood... or as I call it, The Phantom Twilight: Shadows of Sparkling Shit.
I know her newest film is about werewolves, but the idea is the same. I'm sure that somehow the werewolf is just a misunderstood hairy guy that just wants to love instead of responding to his true nature of being magnificent. Who the fuck does she think she is?
Ed. Note: The preceding text was originally sent in all caps. We translated to make it easier on our readers.
Becky Plexco: Got to agree with you m'lord about Charlie. And Stephenie Meyer for screwing up vampires for everyone.
Desiree Starke: Whomever it is that seems to borrow liberally from Lip Service to make badly sewn Tripp designs should be goth blocked. Also, any musician who puts siren sound effects in their songs causing you to think you need to pull your car over to make way for an ambulance, only surprise! You're the only dipshit on the side of the road because it's just your stereo.
Finally, Ben Affleck...not only does he look like a composite of every asshole who was too square to date you in high school, but he managed to star in not one but two movies with the audacity to presume ""lesbians just want to meet the right man."
Sarah Fanning: It is tourist season, and here in Washington D.C. we're being flooded with morons. Goth block the yokels in matching shirts making life difficult for the locals. Double goth block the lazy fuckers who rent segways to "experience" the national mall. You have feet you fat bastards, and you obviously need the exercise, so walk around the mall to "experience" the monuments.
Gothtopia: It is the decision of the Council that the following people will be goth blocked. House Speaker John Boehner, "winner" Charlie Sheen, game show host and possible Republican candidate for president Donald Trump, director Catherine Hardwicke, people who rip off Lip Service fashion templates, musicians who include samples of sirens in their compositions, tourists in matching shirts and, finally, obese people on Segways.