This past week, when American Idol concluded its twelfth season by crowning Candice Glover (who edged out Woodville's Kree Harrison), it was also announced that the show's latest lineup of judges is kaput. Randy Jackson went first, followed by Nicki Minaj. We're guessing that leaves Keith Urban and Mariah Carey, unfortunately the least interesting judges, but they've still got time to bail before the next season if they wish.
But, ladies and gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We can just hire more celebrities to fill these empty seats and no one will be the wiser. Ideally, we can even hire new celebrities who would be dramatic, flamboyant, and/or completely off the wall so that this show could get some viewers back.
In light of all this, we've compiled a short list of our favorites to replace Jackson and Minaj for next season that will hopefully make its way to Fox HQ through the power of the internets.
5. Keith Richards Keith Richards knows about three things: singing, playing guitar, and drugs. Boy does he know a lot about that third thing. Picture Richards in the sort of role played by Tommy Chong on That '70s Show. He'd gel perfectly on American Idol as its crazy, stoner uncle, ready to mentor these young singing kids with all the experience fifty years of playing music and taking copious amounts of drugs has taught him.
4. Kanye West What does Kanye know about singing? Probably nothing. His own attempts have been... less than satisfactory. And I actually like 808s and Heartbreak. Anyway, none of that matters. After all, what did Nicki Minaj know about singing?
The point is that Kanye has an irrepressible, vibrant personality that would be perfect for Idol dram-- I mean, for judging contestants on the show fairly! Which is what the show is about, of course. The only problem would be limiting his rants to less than ten minutes.
3. Bob Dylan Credit goes out to former Idol judge Steven Tyler for the idea here. After he left the show last year, he commented on Nicki Minaj's performance as a judge, criticizing her taste by referencing the folk troubadour. "If it was Bob Dylan, Nicki Minaj would have had him sent to the cornfield," Tyler said.
Well, why not Bob Dylan? But not as a contestant, of course. He seems to be doing fine without the Idol bump. I'm saying, why not make Bob Dylan a judge? He's discovered a lot of great talent over the years and he clearly knows a thing or two about singing, considering he's made a 50-year career out of a voice the Surgeon General might use in an ad campaign for reasons you shouldn't smoke.
2. David Bowie Bowie would be an amazing choice, first because he's one of the greatest singers in the history of pop music and second, because he's one of the greatest deadpan snarkers in history. As seen in the video above, Bowie can eviscerate people when he gets annoyed with a British wit and rudeness that beats even Idol alum Simon Cowell.
Somehow though, nobody thinks of Bowie as an asshole though like they did Simon. It's because Bowie is also incredibly charming despite his attitude. You can't help but love the guy, even when he's insulting you. That's why he's perfect for letting kids down on Idol when they just can't sing.
1. Mark E. Smith On the other hand, if Bowie is just a bit too charming, we have his total opposite. Mark E. Smith is a Mancunian firebrand that would make Simon Cowell blush with his descriptions of others' talents, including fans of his. Smith's band The Fall may have dramatically influenced Pavement, but that didn't stop him from relentlessly insulting them.
It may be controversial, but let him get on Idol and call everyone wankers. We've detailed his caustic attitude here on Rocks Off before, so we already know he'll produce some gems each and every time he speaks. It's guaranteed to bring Idol back to its glory days with Simon, but even better because it's a British guy who is legitimately insane.