With every gossip site on the planet reporting that Beyonce has given birth to Blue Ivy Carter just yesterday, Rocks Off suddenly realized that we haven't gotten her a thing! While we make a quick Target run, we thought it might be fun to ponder what sort of gifts Beyonce and Jay's rich celebrity pals might have planned for her baby shower. After all, mom is a global superstar and dad is a rap legend -- this kid is destined to be pop royalty. Some stupid breast pump simply won't do! The following suggestions, we feel, would make far more worthy presents for 2012's first celebrity parents.
From Paul wall: Baby's First Grill
If Little Girl Carter is to be a true Houstonian (and let's be clear--we're claiming her), she's going to need some gold on that grin. We feel confident that H-Towns grillmaster general will be kind (and business-savvy) enough to provide the flyest fronts ever flashed for Jay and Bey's precious flower. Princess-cut diamonds have never seemed more appropriate! Once those baby teeth fall out, though, she's on her own.
From Kelly Rowland: A Baby Backup Singer
After all that Beyonce has given her, it's only fair that Kelly Rowland gives her former partner a gift of real value for her baby. We don't think it's too much to ask for Kelly to go ahead and birth a faithful sidekick for Beyonce, Jr., to support her in any and all formative musical endeavors. After all, every superstar needs an almost-as-pretty backup bestie when it comes time to nail those smooth harmonies. Hesitant? We understand. But you might want to read that contract one more time, Ms. Rowland.
From Gwyneth Paltrow: A One-of-a-Kind Baby Name
It'd be a tad gauche for the glamorous Gwyneth to give some disgusting material item to the first-born child of her BFF Beyonce. That's why we're confident that Mrs. Coldplay put her greatest talent to good use and dreamed up Blue Ivy's unique moniker! Think about it: For a kid with parents named Beyonce and Hov, "Jennifer" just ain't gonna cut it. "Blue Ivy Carter," on the other hand, ought to make a worthy playmate for Gwyn's kiddoes, Apple and Moses. Sure, Blue is a pretty bizarre name for a little girl, but considering Gwyneth's track record, it could have been so much worse. Gossip mags around the globe could have been welcoming "Bicycle Habakkuk Carter" to the world this week.
From Kanye West: Africa
Obviously, Jay Z's Watch the Throne partner can't be outdone by his fellow gift givers. That's a tall order given the entertainment titans he's matched up against, which is why Ye's gonna have to go big with his baby shower present. In the ultimate display of generosity, we envision the G.O.A.T. offering up the entire continent of Africa for the Nubian newborn to own and enjoy. That may seem impossible at first blush, but who's gonna tell him no? Mr. West does what he wants. Besides, Kanye will still have six other continents to play with.
From Annise Parker: A New Parking Ordinance
As any bureaucrat knows, the most important element for a thriving Houston music scene is ample, convenient parking. That's why we're sure that our beloved mayor will spearhead a new ordinance requiring all local venues to reserve a special parking space just for our town's newest pop princess. Whether taking in a show at the Arena Theater, Fitzgerald's or even Jones Hall, it's important that she be able to park her Bentley in front of the door rather than potentially block the driveway of any townhomes nearby.
From Lady Gaga: A Feathered Baby Mask
Due to her well-known predilections for flaunting outrageous facewear and borrowing from '80s pop icons, we think it's only natural that Lady Gaga provide her "Telephone" collaborator's kid with the sort of colorful, feathered mask made famous by Michael Jackson's son Blanket. Not only would the mask protect Baby Carter from the prying lenses of Gaga's beloved paparazzi, it'd be a welcome relief in the event that the child inherits her daddy's mean mug instead of momma's.
From Matthew Knowles: His Business Card
Daddy Knowles may have been fired as Beyonce's manager last year, but that doesn't mean he's got nothing to offer the next generation. The child of Jay Z and Beyonce is a lock to be born with off-the-charts musical talent, and Knowles has undeniable experience in guiding young ladies to superstardom. If nothing else, he's probably got an in at the High School for the Performing and Visual Arts.
From Mikhail Prokhorov: A Faberge Egg
Hova's bajillionaire co-owner of the soon-to-be-Brooklyn Nets has the scratch to kick in virtually any gift the human mind can conceive. Because he's classy (and Russian), we think it'd nice if Mikky wrapped up a priceless Faberge egg to decorate the nursery of Destiny's Grandchild. There's probably one out there somewhere that sort of resembles a basketball or a microphone or something. If he'd prefer to go cheap, though, maybe he could offer up Deron Williams to the new baby's hometown Rockets. Or at least Brook Lopez.
From Bun B: Baby Stroller Rims
Baby wanna chop blades? Bun B has famously collaborated with both Jay Z and Beyonce, so naturally it falls to our city's premiere hip-hop cultural ambassador to outfit H-town's newborn princess with her first set of rims. We're sure that the Carters will receive an expensive-yet-practical baby stroller from some well-meaning relative or record exec, but pop's First Daughter won't be able to switch lanes properly without a set of swangers. Sprewells are obviously played out at this point, so maybe the traditional fo-fos would make the best gift. We'll leave that decision up to Prof. Trill.
From Rick Perry: Hair Sheen
When it comes to the spotlight, Rick Perry has two rules for success: never, ever debate if you can avoid it, and always maintain perfect, glossy hair. That's why Little Miss Carter's governor (or president, in some dystopian alternate reality) should bestow upon the blessed child a full case's worth of Luster's Pink Sheen Spray. This classic hair-care solution should keep Beyonce, Jr.'s priceless locks lustrous until the magical day she receives her first blonde wig.
From the People of Houston: The Astrodome
Let's face it, Houston can use all the star power we can get. It's a wise idea, then, to keep our homegrown royalty as happy as possible. Every rich kid needs a playroom, and hey, it's not like we're using the old stadium anymore, anyway. The rainbow décor is already in place, and we're sure the public won't mind approving a few hundred million in bonds to turn the Dome into the world's largest bouncy castle. Maybe we could even install a twisty slide on the very spot where Mommy played her first Rodeo concert!