You've been too busy to run by Frankel's, Party Boy or even Wal-Mart to start formulating your Halloween costume this year. No ideas have jumped out at you. We've all been there -- stuck a day or two before the witching hours of October 31 with nothing to wear to the big party except a shrug and whimper.
So to help you out, your friendly Halloween staff came up with two lists -- ten adjectives and ten nouns -- to match up to save you the shame of going as "That asshole who didn't wear a costume." Just print out this handy list, cut out each term, drop the nouns in one hat and the adjectives in another, and enjoy your instant inspiration. These can't be any worse than that Scream mask you've been wearing since Halloween 1997.
Since we are so goddamn helpful, here are three examples of how you might pull off some of this stuff:
Coked-up Darth Vader
Darth Vader alone makes for a great last-minute costume, since most people have black helmets and capes lying around. If not, you can still find a Vader mask at any reputable costume store. But the twist here is that you're not just an evil, Alderon-exploding Sith lord -- you're an evil, Alderon-exploding Sith lord on coke. Dab some flour on that mask and ratchet up those mechanical wheezes Vader always makes when he talks; this Vader's in a hurry to totally own the Dark Side tonight.
Slutty Balloon Boy
We're not saying you hang out with the kind of people who find children attractive, in any sense of the word. We are saying that if you hang out with people who don't find this combination even mildly amusing, you should get some friends who aren't lame-asses. With this mash-up -- unlike hordes of other people going as lil' Falcon Heene -- a well-placed tear or two in your aerial vessel to show off a little skin will attract "good" attention. This is opposed to "bad" attention, which includes comments like, "Great, another Balloon Boy" and a noticeable lack of propositions to go test the barometric pressure in the attic. So spread your "wings" and soar -- just try not to throw up in anyone's lap.
Pregnant Abraham Lincoln
America's favorite president has seen quite a resurgence in popularity this year, with the election of Barack Obama and a slew of books hitting store shelves on the 16th commander in chief's shadowy private life and tumultuous presidency. Why not sully Honest Abe's public image with a baby bump that would make Octomom lick her chops with envy? Don't act like you've never had the "Abraham Lincoln with a vagina" fantasy before, you prudes.