In my review of The Hangover Part II, I made a comment about the seeming preponderance of male genitalia on the big screen lately. The phenomenon has been limited primarily to comedies because, let's face it, penises are pretty damn funny looking.
Judging by that screening, we're a ways off from adopting a blasé attitude towards full dude frontal. In part, I blame the hilarious names we have for our members. Try not snickering when you hear the word "schvantz." You can't do it.
I also noticed the dread appendage poking its way into more serious fare. For two weeks running now, we've seen extended cock sequences on HBO's Game of Thrones (Dany's attempted poisoner last week, Hodor "The Tripod" this week), further confirming this tubesteak infiltration isn't confined to R-rated bromedies. This was something I could write a column around, I felt, but I needed a solid intro.
And then this happened:
Rep. Anthony Weiner's Twitter career ended in tatters Monday, as the New York Democrat admitted in a chaotic news conference that he used social media to send explicit photographs and sexually suggestive text messages to several women over the course of three years.
"To be clear, the picture is of me and I sent it," Weiner said of a photograph of him in gray underwear that surfaced a week and a half ago and whose origin he had previously questioned.
Thank you, Jesus.
In researching this piece, I discovered two things. First, it's easy to "inadvertantly" stumble upon a lot of gay pornography on the internet. Second, the mere presence of a man's "equipment" wasn't sufficient to make the list, otherwise it would be nothing but Ewan McGregor movies. The unveiling had to be embarrassing, inopportune, or otherwise ill-advised.
Like for these guys.
Jason Segel, Forgetting Sarah Marshall
I have to credit my ex-girlfriends with having the decency to break up with me when I was more or less fully clothed (the time I was shirtless at Lollapalooza doesn't count as it was quite hot). And even if they had, I'd like to think I'd have the decency to put my pants on immediately.
Harvey Keitel, The Piano, Bad Lieutenant
Second only to MacGregor in total onscreen member exposure. The difference being, as I understand it, Keitel is actually a rather scary fellow. MacGregor played Obi-Wan Kenobi, for christ's sake. I don't even know if Jedi knights have penises (you know Luke and Leia were actually fathered by Chewbacca, right?).
Ugh. There's a mental picture I didn't need.
Bart Simpson, The Simpsons Movie
Relax. His character is technically 32 years old. Think of him as Gary Coleman and you'll be fine. Okay, maybe not.
Mark Wahlberg, Boogie Nights
I never really warmed up to this movie, though I've grown to appreciate it more as years have gone by. Probably I'm just gratified to learn that Marky Mark's good vibration generator isn't actually that big.
Viggo Mortensen, Eastern Promises
Don't you hate it when your relaxing shvitz is interrupted by Russian gangsters? Oh, and I couldn't find the actual clip on anything that wasn't something called "hotmales.com" or the like. Forge that path on your own.
Graham Chapman, Life of Brian
Let this be a warning to us all: sleeping in the nude just doesn't pay off. You never know when the fire alarm will go off, your toddler will want to crawl into bed with you, or a few thousand potential worshippers are going to show up outside your window.
Jaye Davidson, The Crying Game
I saw this on a date, and so unimpressed was she by my inability to recognize Dil's man hands she never went out with me again. My high-pitched squealing during the Big Moment probably didn't help.
Jeremy Irons, Damage
Give Weiner some credit: at least he didn't get caught nailing his (nonexistent) son's girlfriend. And then watch said son plummet off a balcony. And then run naked down the stairs to certain infamy and ruin. That's something, right?