"All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end." -- Brian Flanagan, Cocktail
(Yeah, you saw that right. I just started a sports post with a quote from Cocktail, which, having now seen my first episode of Glee, is strangely only the second gayest thing I've done all week.)
I honestly think most of Coughlan's Laws are bullshit. The whole "Confucius meets Sam Malone meets Lucky Charms leprechaun" thing never really worked for me, but this one makes a little bit of sense to me. Primary examples include:
1. 21st birthdays (The human body was not meant to ingest 21 shots in an evening.)
2. Any sitcom whose cast includes Ted McGinley. (Go google "jump the shark McGinley".)
3. Fans running onto the field at sporting events.
I've never understood people, regardless of how drunk they are, who decide it's a good idea to inject themselves into a sporting event by running onto the field and making the airplane wing arms. It's the equivalent of volunteering to, minimum, get arrested and, worst case, incur a vicious beatdown.
What made me think of this? Well, earlier this week, Matt Diaz of the Atlanta Braves became my new favorite baseball player when he decided to sweep the legs of a Philly fan/interloper dressed in a red "Green Man" body suit. (These things happen in Philly roughly ten times more than all other cities combined.)
In my lifetime, I've made plenty of decisions I'd like to take back, so when I get a chance to watch someone else making that very type of decision AND I get to watch their punishment, well, this gives me pleasure.
And it should give you pleasure, too. So here you go, six Intruding Fan Time Wasters to get you through the rest of the day...
"DON'T TASE ME, BRO!"
Best Part: 0:15 The intruder going down like a house of cards after an eagle-eye shot (on the run, no less) by a Citizens Bank Ball Park security guard. This was the security guard's equivalent of a three-quarter-court shot. (Little known fact -- the gate crasher is my friend on Facebook, but I can't remember his name. The line for whom qualifies as a "friend" is very blurred in 2010. I blame Facebook.)
TOUCH 'EM ALL, YANKEE FAN!
Best Part: 0:08 After running out of his shirt (0:04) like a drunken Earl Campbell breaking tackles in 1978, dude takes the time to reach down and touch second base, as if the cops might somehow appeal to the third base ump instead of just beating the living shit out of him.
STRENGTH IN NUMBERS
Best Part: 0:28 After about 25 seconds of a handful of fans running around (and make no mistake, the "drunk fan outnumbering overweight security detail" dynamic is fascinating to watch -- like watching three amateur cowboys try and herd cows), one dude finally belly flops into home plate...and probably about 200 hours of community service.
STRENGTH IN NUMBERS, EVIL VERSION Best Part:0:12
The hooligan coming out of the crowd like a WWE wrestler trying to save his tag team partner is pretty awesome, especially when he goes for the side kick to the cop's head and wipes out. The rest of this video is disturbing and kind of depressing, I'll be honest.
SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR! Best Part: 0:32
....like I said --SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!!!
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Best Part: 0:11 After two security guards sending each other in for matching hip replacements, the third guard in executes a tackle that was better than anything on a Bengals highlight film for the entire decade of the `90's. Go play it in slow motion, it is as technically perfect a tackle as you'll see.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. on the "Sean & John Show" and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.