Every year a whole bunch of you (you know who you are) wait until the last minute to buy Christmas gifts. You scramble and go crazy trying to get everything done just in time to see the disappointed look on the faces of your relatives as you reveal your latest holiday blunder. Let's be honest here. This is not laziness. It's passive aggressiveness. You buy odd little doodads for everyone because, well, as George Burns once quipped, "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...in another city."
This year, just dispense with the charade and do what you've always wanted. Get some gifts that will really freak them the hell out. Bring that crazy out into the open and give it a nice deep breath of fresh air. Kill that damn pink elephant and stand your ground as the weirdest damn gift giver north, south, east AAAAAAND west of the Pecos (hat tip: Yosemite Sam).
Best of all, CVS is there to help. Check out these ten offerings from the local drugstore. Not only will it weird out those old biddy aunts of yours, but you can do all your shopping on the last 30 minutes of Christmas Eve. It's a Christmas miracle!
You know that one relative who is always bragging about how awesome he is in the kitchen with his fancy stove and granite countertops. Well, this gift is for that guy. Tell him you thought it would help him improve on the weird experiments he tortures everyone with every family reunion. Let him know it was "Seen on TV" and endorsed by Mister T so it must be awesome! It's pricey, but the look on his face will be priceless.
9. TV Ears
For the old fart always bitching about everything and turning the TV up until the speaker distorts, you have TV Ears. They're stylish AND comfortable. Plus, they are doctor-recommended. Take it a step further and tell him that his doctor recommended he wear them at all times.
For your brat of a nephew who runs around kicking everyone in the shins, this is literally the tiniest and crappiest digital camera ever invented. Tell him that it is small to match his inordinately tiny head, which is WAY too small for his body. That should freak him out for a few years. If you can find it in pink, even better. Little boys love pink.
For your old, bitchy Aunt Gertrude who is always complaining about everything. Tell her you got her this to "help her relax." When she sees it and begins to think it's thoughtful, say, "It's also great for your vagina." That should give her a holly jolly Christmas.
6. Shake Weight
For your hot, exercise-obsessed cousin who you went to high school with and who told everyone you were a virgin, tell her you heard about this new exercise trend. Ask her to demonstrate, videotape it and post it on her Facebook page in slow motion set to porn music. Zing!
Give one to everyone in the family and tell them that you wanted to get them something you use before every gathering to make you feel better about them. Include a homemade mixtape of DJ Screw for mellow listening while sippin' Purple Drank.
For the relative who always joked about you getting "a little on the soft side," it's the gift of weight loss. Remind him of what Marge said when Homer kept pointing out to all the Simpsons in the car that they were looking a little chubby: "Shut up, Homer. You're the fattest one in the car."
For crazy Uncle Johnny, who liked to hold you under water as a kid because he thought it "built character just like when I was in the Marines," hand him this and tell him you would have offered him a back wax as well if you thought he'd accept it.
For Great Uncle Bart, whose name ironically rhymes with something he does at a near record rate before, during and after dinner...and at home, you assume, though you would never go there unless required by law. Explain to him this is really a gift for everyone.
Give one to every member of the family -- kids, too -- and tell them you bought the generic kind because it was thrifty and you hate them. Then yell, "And to all a goodnight!" and walk out the door victorious.