When the Girls Gone Wild tour bus is spotted around town, as our own Katharine Shilcutt nodded to on Twitter, people are wont to talk. Speculation begins to pop up, and the town starts abuzz -- where is it, and why? Should I go? Can I find a sitter?
At writing time, the bus was idling outside the Pandora Lounge, at 1815 Washington. We're certain that Girls Gone Wild's producer and crew would like to see a -- wait for it -- Pandora's box of lewdness released tonight. Thanks for the rim shot, by the way -- and yes we meant shot, not job.
Unfortunately, we were unable to get some direct answers as to why the bus was there -- while the climate control on the bus was clearly running, no one answered our knocks on the door. It's probably safe to assume that they'll be shooting tonight.
A number of questions popped into our mind -- first and foremost being who the hell watches Girls Gone Wild anymore? Surely there must still be some 13-year-old boys "discovering" themselves to star-covered titties while their parents are asleep, but they don't pay the bills. Do Padre-bound spring break bros even watch this stuff anymore? With the amount of pornography readily available on the Internet, it might as well be called Girls Gone Mild.
We also began to speculate about the weather -- Why film when it is 30 degrees outside? Hair Balls loves us some snow bunnies; girls are incredibly cute decked out in scarves and sweaters. But to be honest, we can't imagine why the crew is out on their search for "The Hottest Girl in America" right now, as opposed to being holed up editing footage. We are skeptical that females will be flocking to show off their fortunes while Houston reaches pretty much its coldest point of the calendar. Perhaps Girls Gone Wild figures that the chilly weather will make their subjects more, ahem, perky.
The last question that popped into our head was why Pandora? Shouldn't that bus be parked farther down the road, in the heart of the Washington strip -- outside Ei8ht, or Pearl Bar? A quick delve into the online reviews didn't suggest that Pandora was a particularly happening spot, at least not until it turns into an after-hours club. Maybe it was selected because of the palm trees outside, as if that would perhaps make women forget about the bitter cold infesting Houston this week.
Plus, that bus is just oh so obvious, planted plainly on the street, in what's likely the most conspicuous locale in town at the moment. That led us to speculate on some other, much more humorous places that we'd rather spot the bus, thus our following list.
Beaver's This one is good for its name alone, duh. Plus, it's right around the corner.
South Beach We would've picked Chances, but alas it closed last year. And while it's tempting to say Ripcord as an unlikely Montrose location, that's really just because we'd want to see the interaction that would ensue. So South Beach is our honorary stop -- arguably one of the area's busiest bars. The Menil Why stop with bars? Let's go ahead and bring in the hipsters that frequent Menil Park. Nerdy art chicks are hot.
Urban Harvest Farmer's Market They may be strange sometimes, but hippie chicks love being natural. Maybe Girls Gone Wild could do some sort of throwback session and make it into some faux-'60s porn, with body paint.
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Lakewood Church There's sure to be a bountiful harvest here, what with all of the abounding blessings surely bestowed upon Joel Osteen's congregation. That's why we've got a prosperity gospel, right? Plus, Slim Thug goes there.
The Galleria There's already a Zone D'Erotica next door, why not bring the bus out and see how crazy the girls at Barney's or the United Colors of Benetton shops can get?
Hotel ZaZa This one's really just a sure-fire way to get Shelby Hodge to come out to play.
Mayor Annise Parker's house Oh come on, like that one wouldn't be hilarious.