Jerks in Your Area is a website that scours the net for postings on Craigslist, Backpages and message boards looking for, as it puts it, "posts written by or about the biggest jerks out there."
Today's featured guest: A Houstonian.
A once-Jewish Houstonian who's now a "born-again Wiccan." One who wants to marry his first cousin. Via a rabbi who's not going to ask a lot of questions or put up too much of a fuss. On the other hand, the guy does make clear his intentions to at least clean his pool a bit before using it as a mikvah, where Jews do their version of the Baptist dunk.
His ad on Craigslist is headlined "Wanted: An Open-Minded Rabbi," and the negotiations go downhill from there:
Wanted: Open minded rabbi to marry me to my first cousin. Must be willing to stand nipples deep in a makeshift mikvah. I have an above ground pool but don't worry I'm going to get it cleaned before the ceremony. I'd like to make it a one stop shop so if you could do that for me I'll make it worth your while. (wine) We're born again wicken naturalists but I was raised jewish and I know my grandmother would appreciate it if she were still alive. You just have to understand my values and be willing to arrive naked (seriously, I don't want to see any clothes).
PS. Tallis is ok but THAT'S IT!!!!!!!
Yeah -- get outta here with your Jew-stuff!! A prayer shawl, tops!!
And you'll get wine, that's it, and be happy with it!!
We guess that's just how born-again Wiccans engaged to their first cousins who want to appease their late grandmothers roll. Although we're not sure this would be exactly the wedding Bubbe was dreaming about.