Super Bowl Sunday will be upon us soon. I have the good fortune of being able to cover the game in New Orleans this year, and from the bottom of my heart let me say that I wish I could bring each and every one of you with me. I really do.
But I can't, so in lieu of cramming all of you into my rental car, I want to do my part in making sure that all of you are at least able to vicariously do the whole New Orleans experience. That means I need to make sure you get rip roaringly wasted.
And that can only mean one thing -- Super Bowl BATTLE-DRINK!
(NOTE: In order to pull off an even more authentic replication of the New Orleans experience, I would suggest fixing a huge bowl of jumbalaya, and having several of your friends repeatedly urinate and vomit all over your house. Mix in some beads, too.)
The final Battle-Drink of the 2012 NFL season will test your liver like it's never been tested before (unless your last name is Lohan). I've tried to give the madness some degree of method with this board as I'm fearful that "ease of use" might be necessary come the third quarter, so for this final game board, I have given each column a theme. (I have also eliminated the FREE SPACE in the middle of the board. Why? Because it's the Super Bowl, dammit!! If you can't drink with the big dogs then don't get off the porch!)
Let's take a look at each column:
"B" COLUMN (Sips), In-Game Occurrence Column This column is almost like stretching exercises with a few benign in-game happenings triggering some casual sips, everything from the highly frequent (Colin Kaepernick completions, Ray Rice carries) to the highly improbable (Joe Flacco interceptions -- he has exactly ZERO in the playoffs -- and a safety, which oddly enough would have had you sipping five times in the first series of last year's game).
"I" COLUMN (Gulps), The Harbaugh Column I don't know if any of you have heard, but the two head coaches in this game? John and Jim Harbaugh? Yeah, they're brothers! No shit, huh? Yeah, it's true, and you might hear about that roughly a billion times between now and Monday morning. By the way, we even have a square in this column dedicated to Indiana basketball coach Tom Crean, who is married to the Harbaugh's sister (a dead ringer for Jim, by the way, which has to make sex for Crean incredibly uncomfortable).
"N" COLUMN (Chugs), The Advertisement Column Every Super Bowl party has a few of those
incredibly annoying people that are there specifically to watch the commercials, to the point where they might even shush you during the ads so they can hear the spots. This column is designed to make sure that those people, at a minimum, vomit and hopefully pass out.
"G" COLUMN (Shotguns), Column of Emotion Touchdown dances, tirades, tearjerkers, and excessive celebration penalties, this column salutes the emotion of this great game....and if Colin Kaepernick scores a couple touchdowns, you are fucked.
"O" COLUMN (Shots), Randomness Texan fans, a couple of your former favorites are captured in this column, doing what they do best -- Bernard Pollard lighting up defenseless receivers and Jacoby Jones allowing the ball to bounce off his face into the hands of the opposing team. And may God have mercy on your liver if this thing comes down to a last second field goal. Good news: Adam Vinatieri is not a kicker for either of these teams.
"Halftime Bonus Challenge" COLUMN (Jello Shots), Beyonce's Revenge Credit where credit is due, this column is the brainchild of Monica Fuentes, the wickedly skilled artiste behind the actual Battle-Drink game board itself. The Super Bowl is a special game, and we needed a special wrinkle for Battle-Drink. Normally, halftime is a twelve minute breather from drinking. Well, not this Sunday, my friends. Beyonce is going to bludgeon you with Jello shots! Really, as if we needed another reason to root for a Beyonce wardrobe malfunction....
Enjoy the game everybody! Laissez les bon temps roulez!
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 6 a.m. to 11 a.m. weekdays, and watch the simulcast on Comcast 129 from 6 a.m. to 8 a.m. Also, follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.com/SeanCablinasian.