But I hate being that guy. You know the guy I'm talking about -- the guy who is constantly pointing out the flaws in others and the shortcomings in one's plan without proposing a viable solution.
Bob McNair is who he is -- an incredibly wealthy man and an overly loyal employer. The Texans are his team, so from a business standpoint he's free to do what he wants. He needs to understand, though, that the current staff and present modus operandi are a recipe for 8-8. That's not good enough for the fans and shouldn't be good enough for McNair.
So what do you do if you're Bob McNair? Well, I've got the blueprint, and it's only four hours up the road.
The Dallas Cowboys haven't exactly been painting a championship picture this season; in fact, much the opposite. At 1-7 and with their starting quarterback virtually finished for the season, the Cowboys are all of a sudden a possible winner in the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes.
But the Cowboys have done a couple things the Texans have not:
1. They've made the playoffs in the last nine years, four times to be exact.
2. They won an NFL game at Reliant Stadium on September 26. (Translation: Their only win this season is against the Texans.)
Yeah, the Cowboys have been terrible, but they were good enough to beat the Texans. So perhaps Bob McNair, in a copycat league, can take a look at Jerry Jones' playbook and adjust some of his mannerisms and beliefs.
Here, for McNair's consumption, are the four points of the Jerry Jones Plan:
1. CHANGE IS GOOD
If there is one criticism of Bob McNair that seems to be universal it's that he's created a culture where people are afraid (or at the very least, not inclined to) change anything. Keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping for a new result (definition of "insanity," by the way). Jerry Jones? Not only will he fire his coach, if need be, he'll completely swap out his own face. Remember when Jerry Jones used to be able to move his facial muscles because they weren't pulled flush to his skull like Saran Wrap? Yeah, me too.
2. VEGAS BABY VEGAS
When you're done whacking you coach, don't sit around lamenting the fact that everything went wrong and maybe you never should have hired
a guy who looks like he'd be overwhelmed being a Schwann's delivery guy him in the first place. Be like Jones, McNair, and when the time comes to fire Gary Kubiak, sign the pink slip and then head to Vegas. Drown your sorrows, play blackjack, find skanks, This is how the real world works.
(Side bar: How many things can you count that are wrong with this picture? It starts with Jerry Jones, a 121 year old man, in skinny jeans. And it ends with....well, Jerry Jones, a 121 year old man, in skinny jeans.)
3. BE MORE FAN FRIENDLY...AND MORE DRUNK
In this day and age of social media, the pressure has never been greater on public figures to find a way to interact with their respective fan bases. Twitter, Facebook, any means necessary. However, I know there is a certain age cutoff where "posting a Tweet" may as well be "dismantling a dirty bomb." I don't know that exact age, but I know Jerry Jones is above the number. So if you're Jerry Jones, how do you compete with tweeting and Facebooking owners? You do what you do best -- get shitfaced with fans, tell some Bill Parcells stories and lay out your entire draft big board....
(Side Bar #2: The best part about this video? Jerry was actually dead on in his assessment of Tebow. Next election, I'm writing in "Drunk Jerry Jones.")
4. MARKETING 101, MAKE YOURSELF THE STORY
You're never gonna be a champion by making milquetoast guys like Gary Kubiak and Matt Schaub the faces of your franchise. Get out there, Bob, and find some endorsement opportunities, like Jerry...
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Even if they're just local commercials, that's a start. See if Casa Ole will reprise the old Jose Lima dance line commercials with you playing the late Lima. Find a reason to sell some scrap metal so you can get the Dikembe Mutombo spot on the C&D Scrap Metal spots ($2 bills, fools!), hell conduct a hostile takeover of a Gallery Furniture spot, hit Mattress Mac over the head with a chair, and declare yourself the "REAL Mattress Mac."
DO SOMETHING, BOB. Please, for the love of God, DO SOMETHING.
Listen to Sean Pendergast on 1560 The Game from 3-7 p.m. weekdays on the "Sean & John Show" on 1560 The Game and follow him on Twitter at http://twitter.comSeanCablinasian.