Today is Respite from Labor Day, which means it's best spent lying on your back for a full 24 hours.
Like seesawing or tie dancing, lazing is best executed with a partner. Partnerless? Never fear. Chicks at the barbecue will be powerless against your arsenal of timely pick-up lines.
If you get the feminist vibe Who is that winsome womyn? Win her over with some wine coolers and your sex-positivity. Today, K-Y (the company that made the goop you found at the back of your friends' parents' drawers when scrounging for a Q-tip at the sleepover) aired its latest commercial for K-Y Intense, a sex-heightening gel. Normally, you'd want to wait until at least the third date to talk about clitoral arousal, but today's an exception. In a historic moment for television advertising, the commercial features lesbian sex:
...or at least lesbians talking about sex, "which is more respect than normal, unfetishized lesbians have ever gotten from advertising," you'll say. "It's great the way the commercial portrays lesbians as normal people -- since they are! -- and how they're not mud-wrestling while men shower them with beer." She'll swoon.
If you get the conservative vibe You're in luck, because there's so much local material to choose from! Tell her how bummed you were to cancel the charades party you had planned for last Thursday. You bought, like, fifteen sonograms off of your pregnant friends so that the boys could have a go at describing them out loud. But then that federal judge spoiled all your fun by suggesting that forcing a doctor to describe an unborn fetus to a lady seeking to rid herself of it might just be unconstitutional.
Finally! she'll think. A man who knows what's best for my uterus. Gosh, you'll seem lovable, in an after-marriage, lights-off sort of way. You'll leave her dreaming of the not-so-distant future, when she, you, and your four unaborted kids will sing hand in hand -- right outside of Planned Parenthood.
If you get the unemployed post-grad vibe The young and the unemployed love career advice. Good thing you've been keeping up on the latest news for the doe-eyed set looking to get ahead. Shoot and score with the latest London School of Economics study, which basically says that in these tough economic times, ladies should pull out all the stops to get ahead. Which is, of course, a polite way of saying that girls best start unbuttoning and jumping all over their "erotic capital," something men don't have, argues the female researcher (yes, really), and women are crazy not to exploit. So, you'll say, if that V-neck plunged an inch lower, I'd hire you. And I bet there are plenty of men out there who would, too. Invite her back to your place for a mock interview.
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If you get the vegetarian vibe For the legume-loving lady flipping a Tofurky burger on the 'cue, come right out with it and tell her what you know, son! You just happened to be browsing some recent stats on OKCupid about how oral sex is practically part of the vegetarian food pyramid. "If it's true," you'll say, "I'd go meatless for you."
Should she take offense to your brazenness, tell her it's not your fault you live in one of Houston's horniest zip codes.