Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
Russell Brand stands to land $20 million or more from his divorce from wife Katy Perry, reports said Monday.
The British actor and comedian told New York magazine last year that he and Perry did not sign a prenuptial agreement. And since the two were married in California, he would, according to state law, be entitled to a 50/50 split of the couple's earnings, even after just 14 months of marriage.
According to Forbes, Perry is worth at least $44 million, but some reports suggest it could be more.
I ain't saying he's a gold digga But he ain't marryin' no broke...chicas.
2011 was a tough year for married famous people, and this tragic trend looks to continue well into the coming Mayan apocalypse. Can anything avert this terrible tragedy?
I mean, we're not even talking about obviously loveless marriages of recent years, like Cruise-Kidman and Jackson-Presley. Nobody really thought those unions had a hope in hell of lasting, especially when -- like Apu -- you recognized the lack of a future in those dead eyes.
Seriously, when was the last time you felt even the slightest tremor of discombobulation when you heard a Hollywood couple was calling it quits? Bruce and Demi? John (Stamos) and Rebecca (Romijn)? Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan? All of them split up at least five years ago. Since then, we've had what seems like an endless succession of quote-unquote "marriages" that don't even try to masquerade their intentions.
Do people miss the old days, when the only running jokes when it came to celebrity marriage were Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney (if only they'd married, it might have created some sort of matrimonial entertainment singularity)? Now, the mere whiff of romance between famous people is enough to elicit a tsunami of eye-rolling and conspiracy theories about why the pair are getting together in the first place.
Did anyone believe Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries would last? And not in the "forever" sense but in the "longer than one season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians" sense? How about Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore? Uh...A.J. McLean (he was a Backstreet Boy) and Rochelle Karidis? Will Britney Spears's third marriage (coming soon) be the Real Deal? Of course not, and in deference to the conspiracy theorists, there was no reason to believe otherwise.
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I don't begrudge Brand for pulling a Heather Mills. Seriously, what else has he got? His stand-up act is horrible, his sole attempt to open a major Hollywood release (Arthur) was disastrous, and it was obvious to even the most casual observer that Perry wasn't even remotely interested in having sex with him. The whole "I'll always adore her and I know we'll remain friends" smokescreen is the velvet glove in which the iron fist of $20 million divorce papers will be served.
It feels like we've lost something irrevocable, and drastic measures need to be taken. That's why I'm running for Congress for the sole purpose of creating a Defense Of Celebrity Marriage Act. Among the provisions: All famous people with a Q rating higher than, say, J.C. Chasez will have to wait 30 days between announcement of nuptials and actual ceremony. If anyone marries more than two times, each subsequent union will incur a fine of $500,000 to be paid to the L.A. Unified School District. And magazine coverage of the marriage will be limited to four issues, three if they're all Us Magazine.
This applies to "legitimate" celebrity rags only; tabloids are still free to print as much as they like.
I hate to be dictatorial about this, but something has to be done to preserve the institution honored by Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky. Vote DOCMA in 2012.