Halloween is coming, and that means many, many costuming mistakes will be made by normally sane adults. To help stop this scourge, each Thursday we will be offering tips and analysis of what to avoid, or possibly what to do.
It seems that every year Halloween becomes less and less about scaring other people and more about what current pop-culture reference you can cleverly pull off. One year wearing a Cubs hat and headphones was all the rage after fan Steve Bartman snatched a foul ball from outfielder Moises Alou's glove. It was just last year that the streets were awash with Heath Ledger's Joker. Who can forget the great Borat Flood of 2005? (Something tells us we won't be seeing many Bruno's running around this year after the Sacha Baron Cohen's film about the fictional gay media gadfly tanked at the box office.)
Here's a list of our predictions for 2009's most cliche costumes:
Nadya Suleman -- that's Octomom, to you -- could very well have been created in a secret National Institute of Health laboratory for the sole purpose of inspiring Halloween '09 costumes. We have a feeling Octo-suits will be as proliferate as the IVF-induced issue from her cavernous womb. All you need are some puffy lips, a not-all-there look in your eyes, and at least a few baby dolls tethered to your torso. If you get tired of lugging the plastic passengers around after a while, you can toss 'em in a Dumpster, prom-style, and just tell everyone you're Angelina Jolie.
Dead Michael Jackson
This almost seems redundant, seeing that the man already looked ghoulish enough in life. In death it's likely that he didn't look much different when you take into account how much plastic he had pumped into his face while he was living. It's as if he was doing some sort of preemptive mortuary work while he was moon-walking on this mortal coil. Rest assured you will see plenty of douchebags and shitpurses up and down Smith and Bagby decked out in red leather jackets and corpse paint. We say if you wanna really be innovative, dress up like Jackson 5-era MJ, or cut off your own damned nose.
Communist Barack Obama
Every dejected Republican and new-fangled libertarian on your block will be reaching for anything with a hammer and sickle on it to protest this country's supposed communist new world order, led by President Barack "Vladimir" Obama. Expect to see plenty of misguided people in blackface wearing Ushanka hats and carrying around bottles of Stoli drunkenly crying about how they love their country so much that they would gladly cup Glenn Beck's balls like a bunch of amorous Al Jolsons. What's with all you pissed-off white comrades all of a sudden? To the death panel with all of youse!
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the funniest sitcom since Arrested Development. However, you will not be funny by association if you join the flock of folks dressing up like Green Man, the spandex-sporting alter-ego of character Charlie Kelly. Not only is the humor quotient dangerously low (when you do it, at least), this costume provides an unwelcome look at the bizarre topographic map your genitals will become in this getup. If you really must show off your wang-danglers, we suggest a three-step alternative:
1. Before donning your costume, request the attention of your fellow party-goers, perhaps by gently tapping a piece of silverware on a champagne flute.
2. Unzip your pants and remove your testicles from your underwear, holding them in plain view for between five and ten seconds.
3. Thank the guests for their time, return your testicles to their proper place and go change into something halfway creative, for fuck's sake.
He may be like the wind through your tree, but the orchard is gonna be pretty damn crowded this year. Nothing wrong with being crazy for Swayze, but this soon after the star's death, a Halloween costume isn't going to be a unique tribute. One gender's loss is another's gain, though -- dressing as Demi Moore in Ghost is not only a fun idea, you'll guarantee yourself plenty of attention from the multitudes of men who couldn't think of a better outfit. We're not sure what it's like to actually fuck a ghost, but it can't be that different than sleeping with a drunk guy who cobbled together a crappy Road House costume at the last minute, right? And just think, if you're the only Demi at a party full of Pats, you'll have the pick of the litter. That totally makes up for lugging a pottery wheel around all night.
That such a trite, shockingly dull series has become so popular will be a boon to folks who, for whatever reason, don't have a lot of time to find an interesting costume this year. Thanks to this soporific wank-fest, all you need is a suit, a smoke, and shellacked scalp, and presto, you're Don Draper. Or the other guy in a suit with slicked-back hair. Or the other guy. Women can hit the thrifts for a bland, unflattering dress and then walk around masking their second-class citizen's plight with vacant, Stepford-esque stares plastered to their faces. We just hope this potential sea of gray '60s conformity won't make this Halloween as boring as the show itself.